


my life is a grey thread

by aserenitatum



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1920s, Alternate Universe - Circus, F/F, circus AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-08-14 10:13:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20190604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aserenitatum/pseuds/aserenitatum
Summary: Stacie can feel the hitch in Aubrey’s breathing when she cups her jaw, and despite having seen the blonde blush so often, feeling the heat rise to Aubrey’s cheeks under her hold is an entirely different thing and she could see herself so easily get addicted to the feeling.And then Aubrey tilts into the touch and a soft sound falls from her lips, something caught between a sigh and a whine as her eyes flutter open and the weight of Aubrey’s eyes on her is heavier than any touch Stacie has ever felt and she bows under the pressure, stepping closer as if physically drawn to her.or, a 1920s Circus AU





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched the new Dumbo and I got Stacie/Aubrey feels and then I watched Vita & Virginia and got 1920s gay vibes. I don't know what to tell you. 
> 
> This is the AU that literally nobody asked for but is here anyway. I hope you enjoy it! <3

“Come see, Miss Aubrey!” one of the little ones says and Aubrey has barely dropped her brush before she’s being tugged along to the big tent by a group of young children. 

“What’s all the hurry?” she asks around a laugh but they just keep flitting around her as they lead her forward. “Where are you little rascals taking me?” 

“The new act is here!” Peggy pipes up and Aubrey frowns at that, had expected their newest act to at least come introduce themselves instead of having the children summon her. 

“Practicin’ in the big tent,” Ruthie adds in. 

“And that’s enough to pull me away from Alastor and Aether?” Aubrey quips, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. 

“This is better than any dumb horse ever!” 

That makes Aubrey pause, resisting the kids’ momentum as she arches an eyebrow at the boy who’d spoken. 

“Now you watch your words, little Bobby, or I’ll have your daddy put you on shovel duty for a month,” she says and the boy’s eyes go wide as all the other kids fall silent, their chatter coming to an abrupt stop at the heavy words, all of them more than aware that Aubrey doesn’t make idle threats. 

Bobby bows his head and his brother Tommy steps in to help, “She’s just very neat, is all.” 

“So it’s a she, is it?” she asks, her interest officially piqued and the kids around her all nod eagerly. 

“She’s a faery,” Ruthie says. 

“She’s a siren,” JJ says. 

“She’s a harpy,” Grace says. 

“She’s just a lady,” Jameson says in a bored voice, rolls his eyes as he crosses his arms and Aubrey hides her smile, knows that the slightly older boy is outgrowing the group and she takes note of it for future reference. 

“What’s so special about her?” Aubrey asks, hand falling tenderly to little Gracie’s head of unruly brown hair when the girl curls an arm around her thigh. 

“You gotta see,” Bobby says and the tugging and pushing and urging starts up again so, with some concern for the smallest of the bunch, Aubrey lifts Gracie onto her hip and lets the kids herd her along. 

She carefully cradles the toddler’s head against her as she ducks under the flap of the big tent, knee bumping the back of one of the kids as they all stop and stare upwards in awe. 

“Look,” Gracie says right into her ear and Aubrey cranes her neck as she looks up. 

She suddenly understands the kids’ insistence on explaining it away on some sort of supernatural magic because  as soon as she sets eyes on the woman, Aubrey thinks she’s seen an angel.

The lithe form swings from a trapeze bar and the air around them seems to pause in the moments before her hands find the next bar, until she lets go again and time seems to move at a different pace when she’s in the air. She continues moving like water through the air, effortless, graceful, and Aubrey can’t take her eyes off her. 

She finally swings up onto a platform so high that Aubrey has to squint and even then has a hard time making out the woman’s face. All she can make out is that the woman turns to the small crowd gathered by the entrance and crosses her arms. 

Suddenly Theodore is rushing over to them, practically pushing the kids out of the tent. 

“You’re not allowed to be in here!” 

“But sir—” 

“No buts, Bobby. Go chase yourself! And I best not be catching you in here again while she’s rehearsing,” he berates before turning to Aubrey. His eyes soften but he keeps the hard frown on his face as he points at the blonde. “That goes for you too, Aubrey Posen.” 

She tries not to smile because they both know he has no say over her but then the kids start protesting and whining and Theo turns back to them with another stern look. 

They all look to her and she nods with a rueful smile, says something pithy about rules being rules so they all slowly slink back under the tent flap. Theodore holds the flap open for her, intending on closing it after they’ve all left, but Aubrey pauses just as she’s about to leave, looking up. 

She catches a last glimpse of the woman, sees as she jumps off the high platform, the same way somebody would jump off a diving board, and soars through the air. Aubrey feels her heart stop and she releases a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding when the woman grabs onto a rigged up chandelier and swings around it. 

“Aubrey…” Theodore warns and now that she can feel her heart beating again, Aubrey ducks down and leaves the tent. 

Theodore’s warnings have no effect on her because Aubrey grew up in the circus, has had her worst teenage years full of mischief with this troupe and she’s become an expert on sneaking into and out of places she’s not supposed to be. She idly muses that the fact she knows their camp so well is probably one of the reasons Theo has her in charge of containment. 

The next day, after loudly announcing that she’s going into town for a new pair of trousers, she sneaks into the big tent through the seats, manages to hide behind the top row and watches as the woman practices for hours. 

She doesn’t seem to stop for anything, only occasionally swinging by the lowest platform to rub chalk onto her hands before continuing and Aubrey’s starting to get chilly from the sun dropping low in the sky. 

She’s reluctant to leave, the drive and passion of their newest troupe member enchanting but her stomach growls and she knows that if she sticks around for much longer, her body is going to give her away. 

The next day, realising she can’t abscond from her duties all day, she tasks Jameson with feeding the animals, a task that usually costs her an hour or two in her day, time that is now freed up and that she can spend watching the angel in the sky. 

Three days later, the show opens and Aubrey finally learns the woman’s name: Anastasia Conrad. 

Straight from the biggest show in New York City with a wide variety of tricks that mainly include soaring through the air, she draws large crowds and Aubrey gets to stand on the side and watch as each person visiting their circus stares in awe at the woman who seems to have a questionable relationship with gravity. 

“Wow.” 

Aubrey turns to the man next to her with a surprised look. “Have you not seen her before?” 

“No,” he says, shaking his head, eyes still glued to the graceful woman. “I wanted to but every day there has been someone wanting me to charm the snakes.” 

He sounds exasperated and Aubrey has to stifle a laugh. 

“Now ain’t that a good thing, Rupesh?” she teases. “The interest?” 

“Not when I am missing out on artistry!” he says, pointing to Anastasia while his voice picks up a little too much steam and causes some of the nearby guys to turn to them. 

“She’s beautiful,” Aubrey breathes, turning back to gaze up at the woman. 

That night they sit around a warm campfire, listening to the usual musical mix of Harry strumming a ukelele and Ray playing his accordion, overlaid with the sounds of Rupesh gushing over their newest act. 

Theo joins them a little later and there’s a loud cheer as he opens his bag to reveal a bottle of bourbon. 

“What’s the news?” he asks as he cracks open the bottle and gives first pour to Aubrey. 

“Rupesh is still frothin’ over that new girl,” Joan says and a ripple of laughter goes through the group. 

“He saw her for the first time tonight,” Aubrey explains, leaning close to Theodore and smiling when he wraps his arm around her and rubs her upper arm. 

“She really is somethin’, ain’t she?” Theo says as Aubrey cuddles closer to him, seeking warmth and the easy comfort. 

“How did you manage to lure her to us, boss man?” Ray asks, fingers still fiddling the keys on the accordion. 

“Yeah,” Harry pipes up. “Where’s she from?” 

“We don’t know nothin’ about her,” Joan says, brushing back her long red hair and Aubrey knows that she’s burning with jealousy at all the attention being given to the new girl who isn’t even present. 

“‘Cept that her name is Anastasia,” Ray points out, abruptly stopping his music to take the bottle of bourbon and pour some alcohol into his cup of coffee. 

“What is she a Slav like Katy there?” Harry asks, pointing at Yekaterina who just sneers at him and murmurs “yob tvoyu mat” under her breath. 

“No, she’s American,” Theodore explains and Aubrey finds herself perking up when he takes a deep breath as if he’s going to say more. 

She’s dying to have more information, still a little vexed by the reclusive nature of their newest member. 

Just as Theo opens his mouth to speak, a tall figure slinks into camp from the field behind and makes a beeline for one of the trailers, head kept down and shoulders slumped and the group falls silent as they watch her disappear as quickly as she’d appeared. 

“How come we never see her out here?” Rupesh asks softly, his tone betraying his disappointment. 

“She practices and does the shows and then disappears, always back to her carriage,” Theo says but it’s not much of an explanation and Ray says as much while Joan lets her displeasure be known in the form of a huff. Theo takes in a deep breath, lets it out loudly as his shoulders sag. “Leave her be. She’s mending a broken heart.” 

“What?” Aubrey asks, voice barely a whisper but Theo hears her on account of their proximity and he shoots her a sad smile. 

“Left by a lover?” Harry asks carefully, all of them too respectful to pry but also curious as all hell. 

Theo shakes his head and Aubrey feels her heart drop at how weary the topic has him. “Loss of a twin.” 

The group is shocked into silence, the only sound the chirping of crickets and the crackling of wood in the fire.

Aubrey swallows thickly, turns to look at the closed door of the carriage in a whole different light, mulling over the new information and thinking that maybe the elusive woman in the sky wasn’t as pretentious or arrogant as she’d reluctantly started to believe, and that she was simply suffering, in too much pain to socialise or play merry with their troupe. 

The mere thought of Harry or Ray or Rupesh, her brothers in all but name, the very people she grew up with and considered family, dying makes her heart hurt worse than death itself, and those are the boys she hadn’t even had to share a womb with. 

That night, with a belly full of bourbon and her head racing, Aubrey stares up at the roof of the tent for a long while, thinking about the angel in the sky and how she never seemed to stop moving. Everything seems so sad suddenly, Aubrey thinks, the way the woman doesn’t socialise with them, how she keeps to herself and how high up she flies during performances, as if she’s ready to fly away forever. 

* * *

The next time Aubrey sneaks into the big tent, it’s on one of their days off and Anastasia isn’t wearing a bright, sparkly outfit. Her hair is in a simple braid and she’s wearing shorts and a black top. Aubrey sometimes feels like a voyeur when she watches the woman practise and the feeling is more intense than usual now that she knows some of the woman’s backstory. 

Her body twists as she twirls in the air before a single hand reaches out for a trapeze bar that helps her swing towards the chandelier that Aubrey now knows she uses as a performance prop. She flies from the chandelier to another trapeze bar but instead of continuing on as she has always done she pauses, lifts herself and then perches on the bar. 

Using the momentum of her body she swings back and forth and Aubrey’s eyes are glued to her form, the movements so simple but so alluring and she looks like she’s on any other swing, not one so high in the sky. 

She swings back and forth, increasing her speed and height each time and then she’s suddenly standing on the bar, hands holding onto the rope holding it up and her body moves even harder to bring the swing back and forth. 

On a backswing she lets go, flips three times before reaching for a stationary trapeze bar. Her fingers curl around the bar and she’s just getting her grip right when her weight transfers to the trapeze bar and one of the ropes holding it up gives. She tries to find purchase but the falling rope smacks her arm and she loses her grip. 

Aubrey feels the pause in the air, can feel the downbeat of her pulse the moment she realises what is about to happen and the slow-motion drop of the woman’s body is suddenly broken by a loud scream as Anastasia goes down. 

Time crawls and she seems to fall for forever and as much as she wants to go get help, Aubrey can’t look away. 

The net catches her — that’s what it’s there for — but Aubrey still scrambles off the seat and calls out for Theodore as she rapidly descends the bleachers. 

Theodore comes crashing into the tent, more than familiar with the different strains of panic in Aubrey’s voice and he reaches the woman before Aubrey does. 

“Everything’s jake,” she says but she sounds winded and Aubrey’s concern doesn’t lessen any bit. 

“Anastasia—” 

“I’m alright!” she snaps and Aubrey stops in her tracks, just a few feet shy of them. “A rope snapped!” 

Theo’s surprised by her anger so when he turns to Aubrey, his voice is a little sharp when he says her name. 

Aubrey holds up her hands innocently, stops him before he can get any further and turns to go. She doesn’t glance back at the woman, her heart still pounding in her chest as she focuses on keeping her steps even and calm while she walks away. 

* * *

There aren’t many rules for the gaggle of kids that live in the circus and the existing rules could essentially be broken down into two main ones; the first was to never annoy the animals and the second was to never annoy the adults. 

It’s for that reason that the kids stay away from most of the crew men and that one really mean clown who’d cream pied JJ when he was only two years old and as a result had gotten dunked in the elephant water bucket by JJ’s brothers and some of the older kids. 

And on the days that Aubrey takes up a whole table under the chow tent with papers spread all over the stained wood, they stay away from her too. On those days the adults tend to give her a wide berth as well so Aubrey is surprised when she hears the bench on the opposite side of the table creak but she doesn’t lift her head, finishes calculating something and scribbling it down before giving the newcomer her attention. 

She freezes with her eyebrow arched and her mouth set in a scowl when she realises just who’s sitting across from her. 

The woman just shoots her a grin before her eyes flicker away and to Aubrey’s shoulder. “Did you know that there is a sleeping monkey on your shoulder?” 

Her words break the tension and Aubrey drops her head with a quick, sharp laugh. “Yes.” She reaches up and tugs at the monkey’s tail and he squeaks as he wakes. “Go introduce yourself.” 

The monkey clambers down her arm and across the table, stopping in front of the woman and squeaking again. 

“Hello,” she says, eyes flickering to Aubrey’s as she lifts her right hand, pausing when she realises she’d just been about to offer a handshake to a _monkey_. 

“Go ‘head,” Aubrey urges. “His name’s Harry Junior.” 

When the woman holds out her hand, Harry Jr takes it and shakes it and her eyes go wide with surprise. 

“This is where you say your name.” 

“It’s a monkey.” 

Aubrey shoots her an exasperated look and that playful grin is back as she slowly rakes her gaze down Aubrey’s upper body. 

“I’m Stacie, it’s nice to meet you Harry Junior,” she says pointedly, turning back to the monkey who immediately screeches and uses his grip on Stacie’s hand to crawl up her arm and perch on her shoulder, small fingers hooking into her complicated braid. Stacie giggles, shakes her head to get his hands out of her hair but the monkey thinks she’s being playful so he climbs over her head to the other side and Stacie ends up grabbing him by one of his legs and tugging him away, holding him upside down. 

“Well aren’t you just the berries, huh?” she teases with a quick tickle before gently setting him back down on the table. 

Aubrey taps the wood with her middle finger just before the monkey lunges at Stacie again and he stops, turns and crawls back over to her, up her arm and calmly settles on her shoulder. 

“Good boy,” Aubrey says, fishing out a few peanuts from her pocket and feeding it to him. She wipes her hand off on her pant leg and extends it towards Stacie. “I’m Aubrey.” 

“It’s nice to finally meet you Aubrey,” she says, taking the proffered hand and shaking it. She lingers, keeps her eyes on Aubrey and Aubrey feels a flush spread through her body at how intensely she’s being scrutinised. 

“‘_Finally_’?” 

Stacie just shrugs and shoots her a coy smile. 

The silence stretches on while they look at each other and it’s not until Harry Jr sneaks down Aubrey’s side and tries to steal some peanuts from her pocket that they break eye contact, Stacie with an amused chuckle and Aubrey with a pointed glare at the mischievous monkey. 

“You’ve already had some. Those aren’t for you,” she says sternly and the monkey might not understand her words but he does understand Aubrey holding her pocket closed so with a loud squeak and a stuck out tongue he moves away, screeching as he runs towards one of the other tents. 

“Is he good just roamin’ around like that?” Stacie asks, pointing at where he’d gone. 

Aubrey waves her hand dismissively without even looking. “He’ll be alright. He does what he wants anyway.” 

Stacie laughs softly before turning that smile onto Aubrey. 

“How can I help you, Miss Conrad?” 

“Please, call me Stacie,” she says immediately and Aubrey nods. “And I need somethin’ to do.” 

Aubrey’s eyes narrow, brows knitting together. “I don’t think I understand.” 

“I need somethin’ to do and Theodore said you were the woman to talk to about that. Do you run the circus? I thought he was in charge?” 

“But you already have somethin’ to do,” Aubrey says and then literally points to the big tent. 

Stacie follows her finger, shoulders losing their tension when she finally realises the misunderstanding. “I don’t. Theo has me grounded for at least a week while he and the boys make sure the rigs are completely safe again. Said somethin’ about not losing his newest acquisition.” 

“Yeah, that sounds like Theodore alright,” Aubrey gives and they share a laugh over it. “You know you’re lucky you fell in the net.” 

“Luck had nothin’ to do with it,” Stacie says but there’s no playfulness to her voice and Aubrey believes her. 

“You should at least have somebody there while you practice,” she says, keeps her eyes on Stacie while her hands start shuffling together her papers into a haphazard pile. 

“You’re there.” Stacie still doesn’t smile, and Aubrey suddenly feels very small in the depth of Stacie’s dark green eyes. “You’re always there.” 

Aubrey doesn’t deny it but she doesn’t confirm it either and Stacie’s lips twitch and she looks almost impressed. 

“So, I need a job.” 

“What can you do?” 

Stacie’s over-exaggerated flourish dies down almost as quickly as it had appeared, her brows furrowing as her eyes take on a faraway look and she gnaws on her lower lip and the shift is so endearing that Aubrey falters. 

“Don’t tell me the only thing you know how to do is… air tricks,” Aubrey says, stumbling over her words, not quite sure what to call what Stacie does and knowing almost immediately how terrible her description is. 

“I don’t do tricks,” Stacie corrects. “I fly.” 

“I meant no offence,” Aubrey says with an apologetic look, displeased with her uncharacteristic misstep. 

Stacie shakes her head with a soft smile. “You haven’t.” 

Aubrey looks away from her eyes, lets her gaze trail down the woman’s body and Stacie feels like she’s being assessed, Aubrey’s eyes clear and calculating and it makes her squirm slightly. 

She suddenly stands up and Stacie scrambles to follow her before thinking twice about why she’s standing and Aubrey gathers her papers, holds them against her chest as she steps over the long bench. 

“Are you afraid of ghosts?” 

She’s already halfway across the open tent and even with her long legs, Stacie practically has to sprint to catch up with Aubrey’s quick pace. “Pardon?” 

“Ghosts, you know. Spirits?” 

“Am I afraid of them?” Stacie repeats back slowly and Aubrey nods, looks at her with raised, expectant eyebrows. “But they don’t exist.” 

Aubrey’s laugh is immediate and loud before she realises that Stacie isn’t joking and she presses her lips together, a guilty look crossing her face when she sees Stacie’s affronted expression. 

“I’m sorry,” Aubrey says but her amusement is barely contained. “It’s probably an even better fit if you don’t believe.” 

“Better fit for what?” 

“Miss Zola usually deals with her own help but since Lester ran off with a girl from Kentucky she’s been actin’ a little dramatic and won’t ask somebody to help at the end of the night and everybody’s too afraid to volunteer.” 

They finally stop in front of a dark tent and Stacie glances at it warily before turning that look onto Aubrey. 

“What exactly does helpin’ out Miss Zola entail?” 

* * *

She’s quiet as she watches Aubrey tend to the two elephants, carefully stepping over a few loose ropes so she can keep her eyes on the blonde to watch the way she cleans their enclosure, to watch her the way she's been doing every day since having to stop training. Aubrey is always kind and jovial with the elephants, treating them with the same playfulness she does the horses and other animals, but today she’s quieter and her shoulders are bowed. 

“Elephants are like dogs, they can sense when something’s wrong,” Stacie’d been told once, and today it’s clear that the elephants try their hardest to perk up Aubrey. 

The bigger one, the mother, curls her trunk around the other one’s tail and yanks, sending him sprawling on top of a bucket of water. Her ears flap as she trumpets, amusement clear, while the younger elephant clambers back onto his feet and chirps and Stacie has to stifle a laugh at the clearly unhappy teenage elephant. 

Still, Aubrey doesn’t laugh and the elephants quiet down again as if Aubrey’s sadness settles over them too. 

The mother tries tickling Aubrey with her trunk, exhaling and making Aubrey scrunch her eyes closed. Some blonde hair escapes the tight bun Aubrey's hair is always in, the tendrils falling into her face but besides a quick forearm moving them out of the way, the only reaction the elephant gets in return for her attempted tickling is a faint smile, an action that usually makes Aubrey at least laugh softly and Stacie’s worry grows. 

The younger one joins in the jostling, ducking his head to bump it against Aubrey’s back and she takes a step forward to regain her balance, hand shooting out to smooth over his head. 

“Okay, settle down now, you two,” she warns but her voice carries no bite. 

She pats the younger one’s body and eases out from where the mother’s trunk is curled around her shoulders to continue working and Stacie can’t stay quiet when she sees Aubrey let out a deep sigh. 

“Are you alright?” 

Aubrey’s back is to her but she still sees the way the woman steels herself, how her spine straightens and her shoulders square back. “What are you doing here?” 

Her voice wavers and Stacie lets her get away with it. 

“It occurred to me that in all my weeks here, I’ve never been introduced to these two,” she says, moving closer and holding out her hand for the younger one to sniff. 

Aubrey drops her head with a soft chuckle, twisting to shoot Stacie a look. “How could you if you spend all your time in the air?” 

Stacie smiles widely, teeth showing, happy that despite Aubrey’s downtrodden nature she still seems to have it in her to lob a quick jab at her. 

“Elephants can’t fly, y’know?” 

“Unfortunately,” Stacie replies. Then, “I never wanted to intrude.” 

Aubrey tilts her head quizzically but before she can ask about the cryptic words, Stacie is jerked sideways suddenly by the younger elephant. He has his trunk wrapped around her wrist and seems to be leading her somewhere. 

“He wants bananas,” Aubrey explains, seconds before Stacie’s bumped towards an elephant-proof, closed barrel. 

“May I?” she asks and Aubrey nods. 

“You won’t win favour with them if you don’t.” 

The young elephant is impatient, knocking on the top of the barrel to get his point across and Stacie laughs, softly petting his trunk before moving it out of the way so she can open the barrel. 

“And what’s your name, huh?” she coos as she feeds him a few bananas. 

The elephant flaps his ears and squeaks and Stacie’s smile grows. 

“That’s Whiskey,” Aubrey introduces. Her attention is taken by the other elephant nudging her out of the way to thunder over to Stacie and the food. “And comin’ at you now is Hazel.” 

“Whoahhh-oh,” Stacie stutters out when Hazel nuzzles her side with her trunk. “Hello pretty mama,” she giggles and offers the elephant a full bunch of bananas. 

After taking the whole bunch and eating it in one, Hazel pats Stacie’s head with her trunk, very much the same way Stacie had done with Whiskey before and Stacie laughs in response, hand smoothing over the base of her trunk tenderly. 

“They like you.” 

“I have bananas,” Stacie says with a wink and that seems to finally bring a genuine smile to Aubrey’s lips. “Will you take a walk with me?” 

“I need to finish this and then I’ve got the fire to tend to and—” 

“Come on now, Aubrey,” Stacie interrupts, closing the barrel with one hand while she holds out her other as an offer. “The circus ain’t gonna die without you for one night.” 

She hesitates, gaze skittering away from Stacie’s and even though she’s glancing at the inside of a large tent, Stacie knows she’s assessing the situation outside. 

“Well alright,” she whispers, so quietly Stacie almost misses it. 

Stacie bids goodbye to her new friends and waits by the opening of the tent, watching as Aubrey caresses the elephants, affection colouring her every move. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Hazel,” she says and the elephant chirps softly before using her trunk to wave goodbye to Aubrey. Whiskey is a little more petulant, trumpeting unhappily but Aubrey quickly calms him down with a kiss to his forehead and a scratch above his left ear. 

She turns and freezes at the sight of Stacie, had thought the woman was waiting for her outside and the pink creeping up her cheeks is unmistakable and incredibly endearing. Aubrey doesn’t say anything though, just avoids Stacie’s eyes as she ducks under the opening of the tent and waits for Stacie to join her side before starting to move. 

They’re just passing Stacie’s carriage when the woman halts her with a hand on her arm. “I need to grab something,” she explains. “Please, don’t leave.” 

Aubrey nods mutely, a little too distracted by Stacie’s cool fingers on her warm skin and she shivers when the woman stops touching her to run up and into her carriage. She returns with a bag slung over her shoulder and clutching a heavy blanket that Aubrey immediately relieves her of, grateful to be holding something to avoid wringing her hands or doing something rash like reaching out to hold Stacie’s hand. The surge of attraction doesn’t quite take her by surprise, because Stacie is beautiful, but her urge to act on her feelings _is_ and she doesn’t want to risk being presumptuous. 

“Where are we going?” she asks when they start walking again, in an effort to curb any other stray thoughts. 

“Just over there,” Stacie points to a spot where the high weeds seem to be missing. “There’s a clearing in that field.” 

They continue the rest of the walk in silence and Aubrey knows she’s being periodically watched, her skin warm at the idea that Stacie can’t keep her eyes off her. 

She finally turns to meet Stacie’s eyes, expecting the woman to look away but she holds her gaze and Aubrey flounders. 

“How is it going with Miss Zola?” 

“I think I might be more afraid of Miss Zola than any ghosts people claim to see.” 

“That’s a healthy attitude to have,” Aubrey commends but she doesn’t ask any follow-up questions so they fall into a quiet lull. 

There’s a small path leading to the clearing and once they’re there, Stacie helps her spread out the blanket before dropping down, limbs loose as she lies on her back with an arm sprawled over her head. 

“How did you come across this?” Aubrey asks, fingers reaching out to brush against the stems of some nearby weeds. 

“I come here often at night,” Stacie says. “It’s close enough that the camp is in sight but far enough to be quiet and peaceful.” 

“You couldn’t possibly be implyin’ that the circus camp ain’t peaceful,” Aubrey says in a mocking tone. 

“That’s exactly what I’m implying,” Stacie says with a wide grin, looking up at Aubrey as she curls her arm behind her head to make for a more comfortable headrest. 

The moonlight catches on her skin, makes her almost glow and Aubrey realises she’s just staring at Stacie, eyes flickering between the woman’s eyes and smiling lips and Aubrey suddenly has the impulsive thought that she could just lean down and kiss her. 

She doesn’t, twisting back to face forwards and focusing a little too hard on the horizon, arms coming up to wrap around herself. 

“I didn’t think to bring any extra blankets for you,” Stacie starts, propping herself up on one elbow to reach for her small bag and fish something out of it. “But I do have this.” 

She holds up a jar of clear liquid, shaking it softly and Aubrey’s eyes go wide as she watches the liquid slosh around. 

“What is that?” 

Stacie doesn’t answer her, just pushes the jar into her hands and Aubrey hesitantly twists it open, recoiling at the strong smell. 

The alcohol smells incredibly strong and her eyes water a bit but with her grandfather’s voice in her head spurring her on, Aubrey lifts the jar and takes a long swig from it. Her throat burns, eyes watering even more but she doesn’t cough and she doesn’t gag and Stacie’s a little impressed by it. 

“That is horrible,” Aubrey says, voice low and husky and Stacie practically rips the jar from her hands and takes a sip to prevent her from doing something stupid and untoward like kiss Aubrey. 

“But do you still feel cold?” she replies around a cough, wiping her mouth with her forearm. 

Aubrey pauses, cocks her head sideways before shaking it and in response Stacie hands her the jar again. 

They finish off the moonshine in no time and Aubrey politely twists the lid back on and hands it to Stacie. She plants her feet flat on the blanket, wraps her arms around her knees and stares off at the horizon again when the quiet settles over them. 

Stacie watches her profile and waits. 

Aubrey’s silent for far longer than Stacie’d expected her to be and her impatience is starting to break through so with a loud sigh that is the only warning Aubrey gets, she speaks. 

“Are you alright?” 

“You keep askin’ me that,” Aubrey says which isn’t an answer. Stacie doesn’t say anything and it makes Aubrey turn her head to look at the brunette. It’s dark out but she somehow still drowns in Stacie’s eyes and the warmth there and it takes a lot of effort to drag her eyes away and back to the field with a deep breath. “No.” 

“You ain’t gotta tell me, but I do worry,” Stacie says softly and when Aubrey turns to look at her again, Stacie avoids her eyes as she plays with a plucked stem. 

“I’m just a little sad today is all.” Aubrey shifts slightly and then slowly lowers herself to lay beside Stacie, their arms pressed against each other. “My daddy died five years ago.” 

“Today?” 

“Mhm-hm.” 

“I’m sorry, Aubrey.” 

“I’ll be alright,” she whispers, staring up at the night sky. “It’ll pass.” 

“Will it?” Stacie asks and her voice suddenly sounds thick but when Aubrey glances at her, there doesn’t seem to be any trace of that flash of emotion on her face. 

“It gets a little bit easier. Day by day.” 

“I hope so,” Stacie whispers. She steals a glance at Aubrey, finds the blonde watching her with soft eyes and it encourages her to keep talking. “My brother died a year ago.” 

Aubrey doesn’t seem surprised by the information and Stacie’s brow twitches. 

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Aubrey says, her sympathy genuine but Stacie had expected shock more than anything and it must be clear on her face because the corners of Aubrey’s lips twitch. “I already knew.” 

“How?” 

“Some of the others were wonderin’ why you never joined any campfires,” Aubrey says with a dismissive shrug. “But as it turns out you were just sittin’ out here in your lonesome lookin’ up at the stars.” 

Stacie smiles at the tease, the tight grip on her heart easing slightly and she closes her eyes, inhales then exhales deeply. 

“I have never been so alone in my life,” Stacie says and despite how lowly she speaks the words, Aubrey can hear how shaky they come out, how close to tears Stacie really is. “I feel like I’ve lost a part of me and it hurts every single day. Sometimes at night it feels like my broken heart could swallow me whole. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to go on livin’ without him.” 

“Is that why you left the big city?” Aubrey asks softly. 

“I couldn’t stay there. Not when every little thing made me think of him,” Stacie says, voice thick and Aubrey doesn’t dare look at her, respectfully giving her the space to break down without eyes on her. 

“So you ran away to join the circus,” she teases gently, fingers twitching, brushing against the back of Stacie’s hand. 

“Ain’t that what everybody does?” Stacie throws back with a wry smile, bumping the back of her fingers against Aubrey’s. “It’s not like I have anybody left to miss me.” 

“You haven’t spent much time with us so I don’t expect you to be all knowing about it,” she starts. “But this ain’t like those stages up in the big city, Stacie.” 

Stacie swallows thickly, wet lashes fluttering to rid her eyes of the tears as she stares up at the side of Aubrey’s face. “What do you mean?” 

“The circus—we don’t just perform together. We’re a family.” Stacie’s eyes fill with water again despite how hard she tries to fight them and Aubrey’s smile is soft as she keeps her eyes averted, only briefly glancing sideways to show Stacie her sincerity. “And you’re a part of that now just by virtue of bein’ here.” 

Aubrey would like nothing more than to offer Stacie a hug, wonders how long it’s been since the woman’s been comforted but the fact that they’re still somewhat strangers to each other stops her from acting on that urge, and she looks away instead, giving Stacie the privacy she needs as she regains her composure. 

“Thank you,” Stacie whispers after a long while, her fingers brushing against Aubrey’s hand before moving away again. 

When the night chill really sets in they reluctantly get up, folding the blanket and slowly, silently, start making their way back to camp. 

Stacie’s trailer is at the very edge of the setup and they both hesitate when they reach it, Stacie taking the blanket from Aubrey’s arms and holding it under her arm. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Stacie asks, hoping that the desperation in her doesn’t translate through to her words. 

“Absolutely,” Aubrey says, takes a step closer and it must be the lingering effects of the alcohol coursing through her veins that makes her stand on the tips of her toes and gently brush her lips against Stacie’s cheek. 

Stacie flushes as soon as she feels Aubrey’s soft lips touch her skin, eyes closing to savour the fleeting moment and when Aubrey pulls away again she feels like a weightless balloon, adrift in the sky in a way that flying from trapeze bar to the next never makes her feel. 

“Good evenin’,” Aubrey murmurs so softly near her ear. 

Stacie tries to say something but her voice catches loudly in her throat and Aubrey steps away, ducking her head to hide her shy smile. Stacie watches her go, keeps her in sight to make sure she makes it to her tent without incident and her heart soars when Aubrey glances back across camp to look at her trailer, clearly startling at the sight of Stacie watching out for her. 

Stacie lifts her hand in a quick wave that Aubrey returns before they both turn into their respective  homes. 

* * *

Aubrey doesn’t see Stacie the following day and only catches a glimpse of the show, preoccupied with keeping the light fixtures on after a small short circuit plunges half the sideshow acts in darkness for an hour. 

She doesn’t think she’s disappointed so the soaring feeling in her chest she gets when Stacie steps out of her carriage long past the closing of the show and shyly joins the small circle of people at the campfire takes her completely by surprise. 

Stacie doesn’t speak and a hush falls over the group, all of them shocked at the newcomer. Stacie looks visibly uncomfortable and she plays with the bow tied at the end of her long braid while silence reigns. 

She looks ready to flee and Aubrey feels guilty for the previous night’s insinuation so she subtly kicks Ray’s ankle and urgently glances between him and his accordion and he gets the hint, picks it up and starts playing music. 

Harry rejoins him, strums his ukelele while Joan softly hums an unknown melody and Aubrey smiles when she finds Stacie staring at her from across the campfire with a grateful look. 

The conversation picks up again and even though Stacie doesn’t join in — only speaking when offered the bottle of bourbon that goes around — it’s still nice to have her there and Aubrey can see her start to relax; she laughs at the occasional joke and watches Aubrey interact with her peers. 

The group slowly starts shrinking, each person bidding the group goodnight until the only ones left are Aubrey, Stacie, and Theodore and before long Theo starts swaying in time with the night wind. 

“You need to get back to your tent, good sir,” Aubrey teases, nudging his thigh with her foot. Her touch is gentle but he goes sprawling sideways with a loud laugh that Aubrey immediately tries to shush. 

His loss of balance has brought him closer to Stacie and he turns to her with a lopsided grin. “‘m very glad you joined us t’night, Anastasia.” 

“Stacie,” she corrects for what feels like the 100th time. 

“Ssssss.” Theodore starts to say her name but giggles when he gets stuck on the first letter and then wiggles his arm as if impersonating a snake before snapping his head to face Aubrey. “Bree?” 

“Hm?” 

“Th’fire?” he asks, gesturing vaguely to the smouldering fire. 

“I will tend to it,” she says, standing up and pulling him onto his feet. “Go to sleep, old man.” 

He points his finger at her in the small space between them, opens his mouth to say something but then his teeth click shut and he nods, twisting and making his way to his tent. 

“I’m surprised he can find his way home,” Stacie comments around a giggle while she watches Theo sway towards his tent, feet dancing along the grass to a melody only he can hear. 

“He’s been doin’ it for longer than I’ve been alive,” Aubrey says, kicking sand onto the rapidly dying fire and watching as the smoke lessens. 

“Were you born in the circus?” Stacie asks curiously and Aubrey marvels at the sudden appearance of Stacie’s talkative nature. 

“Mhm-hm,” she gives with a small nod. “Been here all my life.” 

“You never wanted to leave?” 

“Why would I?” Aubrey answers and Stacie nods slowly, not sure how else to respond to that. 

She stands up and helps move the firewood out of the way and when she’s bent down she spots the still half-full bottle of bourbon on the ground and she picks it up to show to Aubrey. 

Aubrey’s neutral expression gives way for a small smile so Stacie twists it open and takes a swig straight from the bottle. 

“Did you ever have an act?” Stacie asks as she hands over the bottle. 

“Yes.” Aubrey sips slowly, biding time but Stacie patiently waits her out. “I used to do horse tricks with my daddy. Before that I was a magician’s assistant.” 

“When did you start your act with your father?” Stacie asks, her genuine curiosity growing when she sees Aubrey’s light blush, wanting nothing more than to explore the reason for those gorgeous pink cheeks. 

“When I was 10,” Aubrey admits. 

“And you were doin’ magic before that?” Stacie asks gleefully. 

“_Assistant_. I wasn’t doin’ the magic, Oscar was,” Aubrey says, ripping the bottle of bourbon from Stacie’s hands and drinking from it. 

“Now I’m just picturin’ a nine-year-old Aubrey Posen being sawed in half.” 

“Hey now!” Aubrey protests, squaring her shoulders back and holding her head up high. “I had a very convincin’ wail.” 

Stacie falls silent then, small smile on her face as she watches the dimmed lighting of the big tent play across Aubrey’s features. “I believe it.” 

Aubrey flushes with warmth, unsure whether it’s a side effect of the alcohol or Stacie’s intense staring but she holds out her hand, offering the bottle and when Stacie takes it, her fingers brush against Aubrey’s and send a cold shock down her spine. 

“I should be gettin’ to bed,” Aubrey whispers but makes no attempt to turn away. 

Stacie nods, ducks her head respectfully as she takes a step back. “Then I bid you a good night.” 

Before Stacie can get too far, Aubrey’s mouth gets away from her and she says, “Why don’t you sleep in a tent?” 

“Excuse me?” Stacie asks, turning back to Aubrey. 

“Why do you sleep in the train carriage?” Aubrey repeats, pointing in the direction Stacie had been going. 

“I like the way it moves,” Stacie says and Aubrey’s confusion is clear. “Most nights the wind blows so hard it sways the carriage back and forth,” Stacie explains. “Lulls me right to sleep.” 

“Oh, okay…” Aubrey says as she nods slowly, taking in the new information. “Sounds nice.” 

Stacie glances back at her quarters, jaw loose and neck straining with the twist and Aubrey has a hard time keeping her hands to herself. Her restraint is dwindling fast and she’s happy for the distance between them and that she no longer has the bottle of bourbon to further lower her inhibitions. 

“You should try it sometime,” Stacie says when she turns back. 

“Sleep in your carriage?” Aubrey asks with an incredulous and amused tone and Stacie nods. “And where would you sleep?” 

Stacie doesn’t answer her and Aubrey feels her breath catch in her throat at the unspoken words, Stacie’s eyes boring into her, dark with desire. Stacie’s lips part enough for her tongue to poke out and wet them and Aubrey finds herself drawn to the movement, wanting nothing more than to discover with her own lips whether Stacie tastes as good as she smells. 

The decision is taken from her when Stacie’s smile shifts, expression growing almost shy and Aubrey holds her breath in anticipation of what’s going to happen. Despite her lungs screaming for air, Aubrey doesn’t move, doesn’t look away from Stacie and as much as she’d like to close her eyes, she doesn’t, so she also sees when Stacie pauses and changes course, lips brushing against Aubrey’s cheek in almost the same manner she’d done to Stacie the night before. 

Her lips are soft and they linger on her skin and Aubrey finally breaks, all her breath leaving her in a shaky exhale. 

“Good night, Aubrey.” 

Her voice is so low and gravelly that Aubrey has a hard time remembering why it’s such a bad idea to fall into the arms of a woman she barely knows, and her eyes slide shut as she tries not to tremble. 

Stacie steps away, her smirk faltering just enough to show Aubrey how insecure she actually feels about this and her initial hesitation coupled with her mask slipping is enough to snap Aubrey back to the moment, to remember herself and she clears her throat, ducks her head to hide the creeping blush. 

“Good night, Stacie.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> peep that chapter count, friends! Leave me some love <3


	2. Chapter 2

Stacie always wakes before the rest of camp. She’s sure there must be more people who are awake when she is, but every time she eats breakfast she’s alone and everything is still and quiet and she likes it that way. She doesn’t bother with her hair in the morning and the blanket curled around her shoulders to ward off the dawn chill is her only companion as she slowly cooks her breakfast and eats. It’s the only time camp is ever truly quiet and often the only sounds are the morning crickets and the wind rustling any nearby foliage. 

It’s why she startles almost violently when she hears a small, hesitant “Hi” come from behind her but once she turns to identify the voice, her shoulders drop and her surprised expression makes way for a soft, curious smile. 

“Hello,” she replies in the calmest voice she can muster with her heart still beating wildly in her chest. 

The girl doesn’t say anything else, watches her with attentive grey eyes, not a trace of sleep in them even though she’s still in her pyjamas. 

Stacie looks away from her to glance around the campgrounds, frowning when she sees no other adult around and wonders where the girl came from. She’s a little ashamed that her thoughts lead her to wonder whether she’s losing her mind and whether the girl is just a figment of her imagination, not because it would mean she’s going mad but because it highlights how little she knows the people she works and lives with in the circus, and how she can’t even say for sure that the girl is one of the children that run amok during the day. 

Aubrey may have been right about secluding herself from the group and while silently joining post-show campfires had been a step in the right direction, the presence of the girl is a stark reminder that Stacie still has a long way to go. 

“Are you lost?” she asks not unkindly. 

“No,” the girl says, corners of her mouth ticking upwards. “I’m just waiting.” 

“For what, precisely?” 

The girl giggles, like Stacie’s question is silly and it only adds to her growing confusion. 

“I’m hungry,” she says around a yawn and the penny finally drops. 

“Oh, go ahead,” Stacie says, plating her eggs and bacon and moving out of the way, watching with a small smile as the girl darts past her and into the carriage, making a beeline for a specific cupboard. 

“Miss Patty always gives us hot oatmeal on Wednesdays,” the girl says with her back to Stacie, preventing the woman from seeing what it is she’s doing. “And if I wake early enough, I can get the leftovers from yesterday so I don’t have’ta eat the oatmeal.” 

“Oatmeal is good for you,” Stacie says but her voice is kind, almost teasing. 

The girl makes a face over her shoulder that causes a surprising laugh to bubble up in Stacie. 

“What’s your name?” 

The words finally give the girl pause and she turns to Stacie but keeps her eyes averted, mouth twisted. Her hands are clasped behind her back and Stacie understands her hesitation, dropping her plate on a nearby table to free up her hands, holding them up to show she’s harmless. 

“I won’t tell on you.” 

“Pinky swear?” the girl asks and Stacie nods, holds out her pinky finger and the girl steps closer to hook hers around Stacie’s, nodding once. 

“Pinky swear,” Stacie confirms and the girl steps away with a happy nod. 

“Peggy.” 

“I’m Stacie,” she says, holding out her hand this time and Peggy accepts the offered handshake, her grip firmer than Stacie had expected and she has to smile at Peggy’s stern face as she shakes her hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Peggy. How ‘bout I make you a deal?” 

“What kinda deal?” the girl asks, pulling her hand back to cross her arms and regard Stacie with suspicion. 

“If I share my breakfast with you, will you eat with me?” Stacie offers coyly and the girl’s serious look melts away for a wide smile and twinkling eyes. 

“Really?” 

Stacie just nods, points to the tables and the girl races into the carriage for an empty plate and cutlery before hastily moving to the table, clambering onto the bench and waiting with a barely contained smile. 

The girl’s eagerness sets her at ease as she moves closer and takes the spot opposite Peggy, holding her plate over the young girl’s and moving some of her eggs and bacon onto the plate. 

“Thank you,” the girl barely manages before stuffing her mouth full of egg. 

The girl eats with fervour and Stacie almost forgets to take bites of her own food she’s so engrossed in watching the girl wolf down her food. 

“So tell me, Peggy,” Stacie starts. “What is it that you do?” 

“What’d’ya mean?” she asks between bites, eyes only briefly flickering up to look at Stacie before returning to her plate. 

“You know what I do?” 

The girl nods, stabs a piece of bacon with her fork. “Magic.” 

Stacie has to stifle another laugh. “Pardon me?” 

“My sister Ruthie thinks you’re a faery,” Peggy says, her voice completely serious and when those cool grey eyes meet Stacie’s, there’s an almost challenging glint to them. “Are ya?” 

“No.” 

The skin between Peggy’s brows crinkles and Stacie would be amused by it if the girl didn’t look so extremely disappointed by that answer. 

“I’m just human.” 

“So how come you can fly like that?” Peggy’s hand hovers over her plate and it’s the first time she doesn’t immediately dive for another bite, giving away how invested she is in this topic. 

“I practice. Every single day.” 

“Hm.” 

An odd conversation it may be, but Stacie’s day is already off to a spectacular start because of this young girl and she wonders if perhaps she’d been approaching her integration into the circus all wrong, if she should’ve been spending more time with the kids after all. If any of them are even half as precocious as Peggy is, she’d love to have them around as the girl’s energy keeps her on her toes while simultaneously soothing her, an interesting mix that she’s entirely unaccustomed to. 

“I can juggle,” Peggy says, breaking into Stacie’s thoughts. “Miss Aubrey taught me.” 

“Aubrey knows how to juggle?” 

Peggy nods. “Uh-huh.” 

“What else can she do?” 

“Loads-a things,” the girl answers, her eyes twinkling again, adoration clear. “My daddy said that she used to do tricks on elephants and that she can twirl _and_ that she used to do fire tricks.” Stacie barely has time to process that statement before Peggy’s smile falls and she sighs deeply, a dejectedness falling over her and seemingly dragging her whole body down in the most dramatic of fashions. “But daddy said I’m too little to learn tricks or to play with fire.” 

“He’s not wrong about the fire,” Stacie has to concede and Peggy turns that sad look onto Stacie. “Why aren’t you allowed to learn tricks?” 

“Because the animals aren’t safe,” Peggy replies, her lilting and mocking tone giving away just how little she agrees with the statement. 

“But you want to learn?” 

“This is the circus, miss Stacie,” the girl says sternly, the words falling from her mouth as if heard and repeated often. “Everybody’s gotta have an act.” 

“Well maybe you’ll find yours yet,” Stacie tries to encourage and the girl just shrugs and pops the last piece of bacon in her mouth. 

She’s barely chewed through it before a man’s voice rings loudly through the camp. “Margaret Mills!” 

The girl’s eyes go comically wide and her pause is brief before she scrambles off the bench, almost tripping in her haste and a quick call of “thank you for breakfast” thrown over her shoulder is the last Stacie sees of Peggy for the rest of the day. 

She remains at the table until the rest of camp starts to wake and trudge to the food tent and even though she hadn’t taken her breakfast and sat atop her carriage roof to watch sunrise as she always does, she still counts the start of her day as a success. 

* * *

“I heard you got yourself a new understudy.” 

Stacie smiles at the voice, hopping down from her high platform and using a trapeze bar to slow her descent before bouncing down against the net. “Protégé, more like.” 

“Protégé then,” Aubrey throws back with a smile as she watches Stacie move closer to her, crawling across the net and throwing her legs over the edge to face Aubrey. 

“News travels fast around here,” she says, legs gently swinging under her. 

“Especially when your protégé goes ‘round tellin’ everybody who’ll listen.” Aubrey pauses for a beat, watching Stacie with a peculiar look. “This is really kind of you.” 

“It’ll be fun. She’s fun,” Stacie tries to brush off with a shrug. 

“She’s a handful and you’re in for it,” Aubrey throws back with a laugh that Stacie echoes. 

“That’s what her father said.” 

“Ray thought he’d have an easier time with girls instead of boys, but…” 

“What a fool,” Stacie says with a pitying shake of the head. “I never understand where that idea’s come from.” 

“That girls are easier to raise than boys?” Aubrey asks, finding herself drawn to Stacie’s half-smile. “You don’t agree?” 

“No,” Stacie scoffs immediately. “I was more trouble than Alexander growin’ up. I spent all my time gettin’ us into trouble and he spent all his time tryin’ to get us _out_ of it.” 

Aubrey doesn’t comment on the light-hearted way Stacie speaks about her late brother, wanting desperately to keep the spark in Stacie’s eyes alive for just a little bit longer, almost expecting Stacie to fall back into sadness. 

“Were you an angel growin’ up?” Stacie asks then, surprising her, those bright green eyes imploring Aubrey to answer. 

Her smile is coy, lips pressed together as she desperately tries to find an angle to spin her youth in a way that isn’t an outright lie but that still offers her some pushback against Stacie’s words. 

She takes too long and Stacie’s smile widens, the woman emboldened by her lack of response and its implication. 

“See? You can’t even deny it.” 

“I suppose I can’t,” she admits and Stacie smiles proudly. 

“I talked to Ray about it and he was very enthusiastic about givin’ her somethin’ to burn energy on,” Stacie begins. “She’s eight; same age I was when I started. And I know she’s a great climber and that she ain’t afraid of heights. I can work with that.” 

“How do you know that?” Aubrey asks curiously and Stacie pauses when she realises what she’s revealed, shoots Aubrey a look that’s part guilt and part mischief. “Stacie?” 

“I’ve been watchin’ her. Since we met last week, nothin’ creepy like, though.” 

“That don’t really answer my question,” Aubrey pushes and Stacie sighs, purses her lips as she considers her words. 

“You can’t punish her for it,” Stacie warns, wagging a finger at Aubrey and waiting for the blonde to nod in agreement. “But almost every night she sneaks out of the tent after Ray and Marian put her and the girls to sleep.” 

“Where does she go?” 

“To watch them do the show. She climbs up the outside scaffoldin’ and sneaks in through the opening where the big lights are. Only stays long enough to watch them on the horses before she climbs back down and goes to bed. I only spotted her because my act’s right after and I’m up high.” 

Stacie points up at the side of the tent to where the girl slips in and Aubrey’s eyes go wide as she follows her gaze, noting how high up the opening is and while a part of her, the part that worries for all the young children who run around the circus, feels a cold chill grip her at the risks of the girl’s climbing, another part of her is incredibly impressed at the girl’s antics and how well she’d been able to sneak out without any of the other adults noticing. 

“That’s…” 

“Impressive?” Stacie says, knowing well enough that it’s not the word Aubrey’d been looking for. 

“Dangerous.” 

“That too.” 

Aubrey lets out a chuckle of disbelief, shaking her head as she looks up at the opening again. “What a rascal.” 

“She’s just right for flyin’,” Stacie says with a smile. 

“Because she ain’t afraid of heights?” 

“And she’s got grit,” Stacie adds, electing not to tell Aubrey about how the girl also sneaks out in the mornings to have breakfast on her own lest the mountain of Peggy’s mischief cause Ray to retract his permission for Stacie to teach his eldest daughter some flying tricks. 

“Is that all you need?” Aubrey asks, mouth set in a line but her eyes bright with mirth. 

“It’s what you need to begin, at the very least.” 

Aubrey lets out a low hum, glancing up at the highest platform with a measure of interest and Stacie’s not sure what part of her compels her to make her next offer. 

“Would you like to come up?” 

“I wouldn’t even know how to get up there,” Aubrey says softly but it’s not an outright refusal and Stacie’s chest swells with hope. 

Before she can assure Aubrey that she has no intention of letting her go up by herself, the woman glances back at the entrance to the tent, brow knitting together. 

“I have a lot to do today,” she says and for the first time since Stacie’s met her, Aubrey sounds hesitant and disappointed to go back to work. 

“Well…” Stacie starts, hopping up from her spot and using the bounce of the net to gain some momentum and air as her fingers easily find one of her lower swinging trapeze bars. “I’m here every day.” 

Despite the steadily growing distance between them, Stacie can see how enraptured Aubrey looks by her. She misses the days that Aubrey would sneak into the big tent to watch her, thinking that she’d been concealed and that her awestruck look had been too far for Stacie to notice every day. Aubrey doesn’t quite look at her the same way anymore, her eyes shielded, protecting her true feelings under a layer of cool scrutiny and calculated expressions. 

Still, given the choice between those unbridled looks and actually getting to know Aubrey from up close, she’d pick the latter every single time. 

“And Stacie?” Aubrey calls out when she’s standing at the edge of the ring, face turned up to look at her sternly. 

“Yes?” 

She lazily swings back and forth on her trapeze bar, slowing enough to show Aubrey she’s paying attention. 

“If anythin’ happens to her, I _will_ feed you to the lions.” 

Her voice may be low but it carries crystal clear across the space and Stacie feels a chill shoot down her spine, not doubting the words for a second. Reluctant to let Aubrey see how effective the words are, she plasters on a wide grin and swings back again with more force. 

“So you’re sayin’ I _shouldn’t_ be tossin’ her from the highest rung?” she bellows and Aubrey’s tense look melts away, her soft laugh bouncing around the tent and easily reaching Stacie’s ears. 

“Absolutely not.” 

“Noted.” 

* * *

It’s a rare night when Ray’s wife Marian joins the usual group around the campfire so when Aubrey sees Stacie coming out of the big tent and glance between her carriage and the small group, she subtly motions Stacie over to them and the nice, warm feeling settling in her bones isn’t just from the raging fire. 

“Good evenin’,” Stacie says as she approaches, dropping to the bench next to Aubrey and trying not to inch too close to the woman. 

The group greets her heartily and almost immediately a bottle of liquor finds itself in her hands. A laugh bubbles up in her chest at that, not entirely unexpected but still a little taken by how welcoming the group always is to her despite the bumpy start she’d had with them. 

“What is this?” Stacie asks after taking a whiff of the liquid in the unlabelled bottle, eyes glancing around the circle and settling on Theodore. 

“Got it at a drugstore in town,” he says, the proud puff of his chest diminishing when the others all groan in displeasure. “What?” 

“It smells like it could take paint off wood,” Stacie teases before passing the bottle on without pouring any of it into her cup. 

“We can’t all have sophisticated palates ‘round here,” Harry throws at Stacie as he pointedly pours a hearty amount of alcohol into his cup and Stacie doesn’t need to look sideways to know Aubrey’s doing a terrible job of suppressing a knowing smile because they both know Stacie definitely doesn’t have one of those if her home-brewed moonshine is anything to go by. 

“She’s just a city gal, Har, come off it,” Ray defends and Stacie shoots him a grateful smile. 

“How come you never talk about it?” Harry blusters on, completely ignoring Ray’s words. “Every time we meet anybody from the city it’s all they can talk about.” 

“There’s not much to say about it that you ain’t already heard,” Stacie says with a shrug and Aubrey watches her closely, can see how she almost regrets not taking some of the liquor to give her hands something to do. 

“Unless you’re hiding somethin’,” Joan throws in, eyes narrowed and trying for playful but falling far from it. 

“Joanie…” Theodore warns lowly and the woman’s manic expression softens but she still keeps her eyes firmly on Stacie. 

“What is it that you think I’d hide back in the city?” Stacie humours her. 

“Husband and a couple kids?” 

Stacie’s laugh is so loud that Aubrey has half a mind to warn her about waking the kids but she’s never heard Stacie let out such a pure and happy sound before so she refrains, basks in the feeling of joy bursting from Stacie. 

“I don’t have either’a those,” Stacie finally manages between chuckles of laughter, her hand pressed to her stomach as she tries a few calming breaths and a quick glance around the group shows they’re as surprised by her laugh as Aubrey had been. 

“Pretty girl like you ain’t married?” 

“No,” Stacie says with another soft laugh and her eyes take on a coy glint that has Aubrey leaning closer in anticipation. “Are you propositionin’ me, Harry? Cause I gotta say, I ain’t too keen on havin’ to share a bed with a monkey.” 

There’s a beat of silence before the group erupts into laughter, Harry’s spluttering for words to fight the implication that he shares his bed with Harry Jr only causing them to laugh harder. 

“What use do I have of a man?” Stacie adds on, hoping that her words are soft enough for only Aubrey to hear and that the laughter is enough to drown it out for the rest but Marian’s smile goes impossibly wide and she holds up her glass of water even as she leans into Ray. 

“You’ve got the right idea!” she says with a wink and the indignant huff that comes from Ray causes the group to break into giggles once more. 

Aubrey’s eyes feel heavy on her skin and Stacie can’t avoid looking at her, warming from the inside out when she sees how Aubrey’s looking at her. 

* * *

Stacie hadn’t expected to be let off the hook so easily but it’s a few days later when Aubrey brings it up again. 

She clears her throat, almost as a cue for Stacie to stop her if she wants to, before softly asking, “Will you tell me somethin’ about yourself?” 

Aubrey doesn’t want to push her for more and despite all the times Stacie’s now joined them to wind down around the campfire after a show, she’s always remained quiet and the teasing words and confirmation of not being married a few days prior had been the only things she’d confessed to the others, choosing oftentimes to silently watch the group banter and never sharing anything until after everybody had left and only they’d remain. Even then, Stacie had always been more curious about Aubrey and her past, asking questions without giving much in return and Aubrey hasn’t minded it one bit, happy to see that Stacie’s at least grown interested enough not to shy away from social contact altogether. 

Still, her curiosity burns brighter with each passing day so on a rare day off, when they’re spread out on Stacie’s blanket under a warm spring sun, crushed weeds beneath them and nothing around except for the camp and more farmland, she tries. 

“What is it you’d like to know?” Stacie replies and when Aubrey turns her head to see if she’s teasing or being genuine, she finds the brunette’s eyes already on her, a lazy smile gracing her features. 

“I don’t know. Anything. What was it like livin’ in the city?” 

Stacie lets out a long, slow breath as she stares up at the cloudless blue sky, eyes unfocused as she considers what to tell Aubrey. 

“There were these parties out in Long Island,” she starts. “Any nights Alexander and I weren’t performin’ we’d go. They were extravagant and fancy and full of debauchery. You could just lose yourself there.” 

“Lose yourself how?” Aubrey asks and Stacie turns to her with a mysterious smile and glittering eyes, propping her head up with her hand to comfortably look down at Aubrey. 

“Anythin’ you can imagine.” 

“I don’t know what to imagine,” she says but the badly suppressed smile gives her away, proves that she just wants Stacie to say the words. 

“Pools of liquor and illicit dancin’ and miscegenation and barney muggin’ anybody you want.” 

“Anybody?” Aubrey asks, an eyebrow ticking up suggestively and Stacie’s eyes are drawn to Aubrey’s lips when she licks them. 

“Torpedos and their shebas alike.” 

Aubrey doesn’t look repulsed by the idea of Stacie’s illicit activities with women but Stacie’s bravery in admitting as much dissipates all too quickly and she finds herself desperate to move back to safer grounds. “How come you’re suddenly so interested in my life in the city?” 

“Curiosity,” Aubrey says, lets Stacie shift them away from dangerous territory but from her guilty smile Stacie can sense there’s more she isn’t saying. 

“And?” 

“I know you don’t like talkin’ about your life from before but it’s hard to get to know a person if you don’t know anythin’ about them.” 

Stacie watches as Aubrey glances at her, a strangely wary expression taking over her usually relaxed face and Stacie decides she doesn’t like that look at all so she softly calls out Aubrey’s name, smiling warmly as the woman meets her eyes. 

“I like books.” 

“Books?” Aubrey asks slowly, not quite following the non sequitur. 

“I like to read,” Stacie repeats, raising her eyebrows and urging Aubrey to understand. “That’s something about me. When I’m not practicin’ or sleepin’, I like to read.” 

“Oh,” she replies as her own smile widens to match Stacie’s. “What kinda books?” 

“Anythin’ I can get my hands on, really,” Stacie says with a bashful shrug as she finally seems to process how eager Aubrey is to know more about her and how similar it is to how much Stacie craves a closer friendship with Aubrey. 

“Which one’s your favourite?” Aubrey asks, eyes glittering as she stares at Stacie and for a brief moment she gets lost in those deep eyes and forgets about everything else. 

* * *

“So I was talkin’ to Peggy today…” Stacie starts as she moves closer to Aubrey, standing right behind the blonde and looking out over her shoulder. 

“Alright…” Aubrey says absentmindedly, not at all startled by Stacie’s close proximity, focused entirely on the horses in the ring. She taps her pencil against her paper pad in time to the music, head tilting and eyes narrowed in concentration. 

“She had some interesting stories to tell me,” Stacie continues. She knows Aubrey’s focus isn’t on her at the moment and it’s not that she wants to take advantage of that per se, but she figures that it might be easier to get information out of the woman when her sole attention isn’t on Stacie and trying to figure her out with those calculating eyes. 

“You shouldn’t believe everythin’ she tells you,” Aubrey warns and Stacie notices that she’s following one of the horses in particular, eyes tracking the movement but Stacie has no idea what she’s looking for. 

“No?” Stacie asks, putting on a curious voice that Aubrey doesn’t react to at all. “So you _can’t_ throw knives?” 

“Oh, actually that’s true,” she says and even just standing slightly behind her, Stacie can see the proud smile that threatens to burst across her face. 

“That’s oddly…” Stacie tapers off, trying to find the right word and her genuine pause seems to finally grab Aubrey’s attention as her pencil stops tapping and her spine straightens. 

“What?” she asks with her eyes still on the horses. 

“Attractive.” 

Aubrey whirls around so quickly that Stacie takes a step back in surprise, hands dropping away from her hips as she looks at Aubrey with wide eyes, the woman’s mouth opening and closing as she attempts to respond and fails spectacularly. 

Stacie takes some pleasure in it, doubly so when Aubrey doesn’t quite close her mouth as her gaze rakes down Stacie’s body, taking in the tight bodice of her champagne-coloured performance outfit, along the high cut of it over her hips and down her long, exposed legs. Aubrey’s chest dips with her deep exhale and it seems to take her a tremendous amount of effort to lift her eyes back up and meet Stacie’s, her mouth finally snapping closed as she swallows thickly. 

“You look lovely,” she manages in a hoarse voice, fingers reaching up to scratch at her dry throat and Stacie’s delighted by the response as she takes a small step closer to Aubrey with an unfiltered smile. 

“Thank you.” 

“New outfit?” 

Stacie nods and hums. “When Theo told us we’d be here for a while I thought it might be nice to get some alternates sewn up. It’s why I been goin’ into town so much.” 

“It’s so…” Aubrey’s eyes rake over her again but this time she manages to make it look more like an assessment than outright ogling Stacie. “Intricate.” 

“There are a lot more details on this than on the old one.” Stacie can’t help her coy smile and she takes another step closer to Aubrey, reaching for the blonde’s hand and guiding it to her hip. “That’s French lace.” 

Aubrey seems almost frozen as her fingers brush against Stacie’s hip and up her side, careful not to move too far up or around and her eyes continually flick up to Stacie’s face to make sure she’s not crossing a line as she caresses the garment. 

The uproarious applause that suddenly fills the big tent seems to snap her out of her daze, her head turning to the middle circle where Ray and Marian take a final lap and soak up the applause of the crowd. She turns back to Stacie with a deep frown, pulling her hand back and Stacie can see the exact moment she snaps back into working mode. 

“What are you doing down here? You’re up next! You should already be up there,” Aubrey says with a quick, pointed glance at her wristwatch. 

“Everything’s copacetic, Aubrey,” she placates with a quick wink. “New outfit, new show.” 

“Alright,” she says, deflating almost immediately and lifting her paper pad up to press against her chest, fingers curled around it to deter her from reaching out and sliding over the ornate weaving of lace and beading on Stacie’s attire. “Have a good show.” 

“You too,” Stacie says with a grin but she doesn’t move away just yet, just steps past Aubrey out of the shadows and to the edge of the ring. 

When Theodore revs up the crowd for her, bantering and calling for another round of applause for the departing act, Stacie twists to glance over her shoulder and isn’t disappointed to see Aubrey’s eyes already on her, the woman leaning against the side of the seating platform with a half smile. 

“… the Queen of the Heavens!” 

Stacie turns back, spine straightening, shoulders squaring back and her grin dropping into a more controlled smile as she steps into the ring, a spotlight immediately finding her and the sound from the audience is deafeningly loud as Stacie takes a leisurely stroll around the edge of the ring. 

Aubrey had thought that getting to know her and seeing her perform more and more often would somehow dilute or diminish that fluttery feeling she gets in her chest every time Stacie’s fingers curl around a trapeze bar or when she seems to float in the air between them but it hasn’t and the crowd’s delighted gasps and coos as Stacie works her magic adds to the experience. 

She should be tending to the horses but it’s hard to tear her eyes away from the spectacle that is Stacie Conrad performing so she remains, temporarily neglecting her duties and ignoring Theodore stopping next to her and watching her watch Stacie. 

She doesn’t need to turn her head to know that his gaze is loaded with meaning and she steadfastly keeps her eyes forward because she knows that as soon as their eyes meet, she’s going to crumble. 

It proves more difficult when he wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her in, fingers ruffling her hair before tickling her side and Aubrey breaks away with a squirm and a muted giggle, a sound she can deny she ever made if he brings it up. He just laughs as she fixes her shirt that had become untucked as she’d twisted away, and when Theo holds his arm up again, she only shoots him a cautious look that has him humming in response, indicating that he’s not going to try anything again. 

“You’re smitten,” he says lowly once she steps back into his comforting embrace. He knows the timbre of his voice carries easily and he doesn’t want to attract the attention of the people sitting near them on the raised platform. His words also aren’t a question, just an observation, so Aubrey doesn’t respond to him, eyes still on Stacie as she drapes herself across a wide ring while it twists and lowers slowly, all those beads on her new costume catching the light and making her practically glitter. 

“Be careful with your heart, my sweet girl,” Theo says softly and if she didn’t know him better, she’d be a little offended at the warning. 

Aubrey replies in the same hushed tone, finally chancing a look at him, “She ain’t just any Jane.” 

There’s a long silence as Theo glances away to look at Stacie, to really watch her and his eyes focus on her so intently it’s as if he’s trying to suss her out from the distance. 

“Well alright then,” he finally says, squeezing Aubrey’s shoulder again and she leans into him with a smile, happy with his response. 

“You’re up again, old man.” 

“Now how do you know she’s almost finished?” he asks and his voice finally takes on that teasing lilt as he lets go of her shoulder to face her more easily, an eyebrow ticking up. “Seein’ as it’s a new routine and all.” 

She opens her mouth to explain herself before realising she doesn’t actually know how or why she knows that and mercifully Stacie starts moving lower on a trapeze bar, proving the point for Aubrey. 

She nudges her chin in that direction and Theo looks away, smiling and shaking his head. 

Aubrey tries to suppress her smug grin as Theo grumbles something under his breath about her being a know-it-all but she just leans in and pecks his cheek before patting his back and urging him towards the ring. 

“Now that she’s done will you go have a look at Alastor?” he throws over his shoulder, fiddling with the brim of his tophat. 

“Yes, sir,” Aubrey says studiously and he laughs gruffly before stepping into the light. 

Stacie takes a final stroll around the ring before joining Aubrey again, cheeks flush with exertion and a smile on her face so wide that Aubrey could easily get addicted to seeing. 

“What did you think?” she asks, chest heaving slightly and it takes a lot of effort on Aubrey’s part not to drop her eyes. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t take notes,” Aubrey teases. 

Stacie’s riding high on the adrenaline of her performance and it makes her bolder than usual as she leans in close to Aubrey, their faces mere breaths apart and Aubrey holds her breath, blood rushing in her ears as she waits to see what Stacie’s going to do. 

The coy pull of her lips makes her just want to surge forward and kiss Stacie but she doesn’t want to be presumptuous and she doesn’t want to push too hard too fast but her hands are practically shaking with anticipation. 

Stacie’s fingers slide along her wrist and lifts her hand, the one holding the paper pad, and she twists her head to look at the blank sheet, face falling into an exaggerated pout. 

“Oh, you really didn’t take notes,” she breathes. “That’s a shame.” 

“Maybe tomorrow,” Aubrey says, head tilting so she can look up at Stacie through her lashes. 

“I’ll be sure to do my best then.” Stacie looks away, a faux thoughtful look crossing her face. “I’ll even put on my other new outfit for you.” 

“Just for me?” she asks and two can play this game so she reaches out with her free hand, doesn’t have to move far before her index finger drags along the side of Stacie’s garment, where the bodice dips down into her waist before flaring out at the hips, her touch with enough pressure to make sure Stacie feels it through the firm fabric. 

She’s barely touching Stacie but she can feel the shiver that runs through her spine and she can see the way goosebumps erupt over Stacie’s skin. 

“I gotta impress the boss somehow,” Stacie murmurs, keeping her voice hushed because she doesn’t really trust it not to waver. 

“You know I ain’t the boss.” 

Aubrey’s touch stills over her hip and she lifts her chin, an almost challenging look in her eyes and Stacie could just lean in and kiss that coy smile away but she’ll want to take her time and she needs to be back in the ring for the goodbye parade too soon so despite her racing heart and the warm feeling making a home in her gut, she steps back, ducking her head chastely and missing the way Aubrey’s brow twitches with badly-veiled confusion as the connection is severed and she pulls her hand back and tucks it into the pocket of her trousers to prevent her from reaching out again. 

“Maybe I just wanna impress you,” Stacie says and Aubrey has to shake her head to clear it, to try and remember what they’d been talking about but all she can focus on is Stacie’s green eyes watching her intently for her reaction and she doesn’t fight the urge to smile, even if her eyebrow ticks up with a hint of scepticism. 

“I have a horse to tend to,” Aubrey says. Stacie’s clearly surprised by her words, mouth dropping open with her planned retort dying on her lips as her eyebrows knit together and Aubrey knows she shouldn’t feel so triumphant that she’s managed to throw Stacie off her game. “But if you think a show and a shiny outfit is enough to impress me…” 

“I know it is,” Stacie presses as Aubrey turns away from her, her hand dropping and drumming the paper pad against her thigh. 

She shoots Stacie an impervious look over her shoulder and if ever asked about it, Aubrey will deny the flush on her skin and Stacie will deny the delighted shiver that runs down her spine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we come to the closing! But no fret, it's a long one!  
major shoutout to Maus for betaing the whole thing and listening to me whine about 1920s language. 
> 
> The whole thing started with an aesthetic/moodboard which you can find [**here**](https://eleanors-rigby.tumblr.com/post/187990836131/read-here), and ended with me finding the most gorgeous poem by Elsa Gidlow which you can read [**here**](https://archive.org/details/OnAGreyThread/page/n9).

Shouting voices filter out from the big tent as she approaches and give her pause, hesitating by the entrance, unsure on whether she should interrupt or not but before she can dwell for too long, Theodore comes stomping out of the tent, steam practically coming out his ears until he almost bumps into her. 

“Oh, Stacie,” he says, stance losing some of its fight when his eyes fall on her and she can see that he really tries for a smile but he falls far from it. “Comin’ to check on the setup?” 

They’d come in late that day on the train and erecting the big tent had taken longer than planned so she’s eager to make sure everything’s alright before the show later that afternoon. 

“And I promised Peggy she’d get a go on the lowest swing when we got to Missouri,” she says back with a quick smile before gesturing towards the tent. “Is everything alright?” 

His grumble is answer enough. 

“Anythin’ I can help with?” 

“Unless you can magically conjure up a couple new support beams for a tent then I highly doubt so,” he huffs before shaking his head dismissively and moving away, bellowing for a few of the crewmen. 

She’s not remotely torn between following the man and going inside the big tent, her concern for Aubrey growing when she ducks under the opening and finds the woman pacing around in small circles, frustrated sounds falling from her lips. 

“Don’t start pullin’ out your hair,” Stacie says softly and Aubrey freezes. 

Aubrey takes a deep breath and turns to her and Stacie feels warmth bloom in her chest when, despite her clear annoyance, Aubrey manages a genuine and soft smile, clearly meant for her. 

“Hi,” she says and their eyes lock, the moment heavy with pause before Aubrey’s eyes flicker away again, to the big net and back to Stacie. “Oh, sorry, you want to practice.” 

Stacie definitely dislikes that furrow in Aubrey’s brow or how she ducks her head and steps to the side. Her legs are already moving her forward, stopping just in front of Aubrey and perhaps a little too close to be strictly friendly but it forces the blonde to look up at her, troubled green eyes a little wide at their proximity. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Some of the boys on crew got sick and they’ve been settin’ up tents with less men but they completely misjudged some of the weights so they dropped one of the poles and now I don’t have a tent to sleep in.” 

Aubrey looks so close to tears, frustrated beyond her years and something inside Stacie breaks. Aubrey’s skin is soft when she brushes her fingers along the woman’s cheek, cupping her face and while she looks completely stunned by Stacie’s boldness, she still melts into the touch, eyes fluttering closed as a breathy sigh falls from her lips. 

“You’ll be alright,” Stacie whispers as the world seems to fall away, leaving just the two of them and the feeling of her fingers tingling where she holds Aubrey. 

“You sound so sure,” Aubrey replies, her voice as hushed as Stacie’s had been and she doesn’t open her eyes as she speaks, afraid that if she stares at Stacie for too long, she’ll push them entirely past the line of decency. 

“I seem to recall invitin’ you to spend a night in my carriage.” 

She can feel the hitch in Aubrey’s breathing, and despite having seen the blonde blush so often, feeling the heat rise to Aubrey’s cheeks under her hold is an entirely different thing and she could see herself so easily get addicted to the feeling. 

“I thought you were just havin’ a go at me,” Aubrey says, her lilting voice drawing a smile from Stacie that grows wider when Aubrey finally opens her eyes and doesn’t break away from her gaze. 

Stacie shrugs and slides her fingers to curl around the back of Aubrey’s neck, thumb brushing just under her jaw and Stacie didn’t think she could be more enamoured with Aubrey, but then the woman tilts into the touch and a soft sound falls from her lips, something caught between a sigh and a whine. 

“My offer was genuine.” Stacie watches Aubrey closely, looking for any sign that she’s stepping too far over the line or pushing too much. “And you seem to be without sleeping quarters, so…” 

A part of Aubrey seems to still be holding back, a hesitant glint in her eyes even as she steps closer to Stacie. 

“I can ask Theo for a spare cot if that’s what—” 

“No,” Aubrey says softly but strongly and there’s that blush again, skin warm against Stacie’s palm. “That won’t be necessary.” 

“Is that a yes?” 

Aubrey’s lips twitch as she nods and they seem to be suspended in a loaded moment, neither of them willing to break away or move closer. Stacie’s powerless to stop her widening smile, however, and Aubrey’s eyes flicker to the movement. 

“I’m here! I’m here! I’m not late!” Peggy yells as she comes crashing through the opening of the tent, tripping over the rope keeping the flap tied open and going sprawling forwards, skidding along the dirt until she stops. She pauses for a moment with a stuttered sort of breath before lifting her head with an attempt at a smile. 

Stacie and Aubrey jump apart, both stepping towards the girl with matching looks of concern. 

“I’m okay,” Peggy groans out and moves to stand, wiping at her ruined clothes. “I’m not late.” 

Stacie laughs softly, the tension of their interrupted moment bubbling up inside her in the form of a near-hysterical laugh. “Are you alright?” 

The girl nods but Aubrey still moves closer and drops to her knees to inspect the girl, running her hand along her head and checking for any bumps, seeing if the girl’s eyes are as alert as they usually are. 

“Sure?” 

“Yes, miss Aubrey,” she says and her exaggerated toothy grin must soothe something in Aubrey because she stands up with a coy smile and a nod. 

“Best be more careful, then,” she teases and Peggy’s already nodding. “We wouldn’t want anythin’ to happen to our future aerialist.” 

Stacie loves seeing how much pride Peggy gets from that, her chest puffing up and shoulders squaring back as she gives a sharp nod. 

A soft, encouraging pat to Peggy’s back urges her closer to Stacie so when Stacie cocks her head towards the net, the girl gets the message, walking around Stacie and starting to clamber onto the lowest platform near the net. 

“You’re welcome to stay,” Stacie offers even though she knows Aubrey won’t. 

“I should, uhm…” She gestures vaguely to outside, a pink flush returning to her cheeks again as she recalls their proximity from before. “Go apologise to Theo and tell him it’s all arranged.” 

“I’ll see you tonight, then?” 

“Yes,” Aubrey says, pauses to look at Stacie slowly. “Thank you.” 

“Anything for a friend.” 

Her lips part, corners of her mouth twitching as if she wants to say something else but then she steps back, head bowing slightly and Stacie’s left wondering what it is that had been at the tip of Aubrey’s tongue. 

“Be safe, ladies,” she says instead and Stacie just smiles back as Peggy waves Aubrey away. 

* * *

The adrenaline of a good show and the anticipation for later leaves Stacie a jittery mess. She’s not used to feeling so frazzled and all that pent up energy has her rearranging all her things in her carriage multiple times until everything is back in its original place. She keeps it neat and tidy, so it’s not as if the space needs a clean but her hands need something to do and she’s wrung her fingers so often that they’re completely reddened. 

A small mental peptalk keeps her calm for all of five minutes, the memory of her brother suddenly appearing out of nowhere but contrary to how he’s been plaguing her mind for the past year, the feeling doesn’t come with a wave of sadness but with a spark of tease. She can hear him in her ear taunting her about having a girl in her bed, about how nervous she is and reminding her of how light she feels whenever Aubrey’s around. 

A part of him lives with her forever, and she used to think it was just the despair of loss but the more time passes, the more she realises how wrong she’d been. His gruff voice is clear in her head and his laugh rings in her ears as that voice mocks her absolute lack of composure. 

There’s a soft, almost tentative, knock on the door and Stacie springs up immediately before catching herself, taking a deep breath before twisting the handle and opening it. 

“Hi,” she says with a wide smile, trying to hide how restless she’s been feeling and Aubrey’s returning smile is almost shy in nature. 

“Hi,” she replies, ducks her head slightly and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear and Stacie feels all the breath in her lungs leave in a rush at the sight of Aubrey’s usually neat and tied back into a bun hair all loose and wavy. 

Aubrey clears her throat and Stacie’s gaze is dragged away from her golden locks, trailing down her body and her burning lungs beg for air but Stacie’s not sure how to breathe anymore. It’s the first time she’s ever seen her in something that isn’t a shirt tucked into trousers, sans boots and a belt and Stacie’s fingers are twitching again, this time with the effort of holding them back when all she wants to do is trail her fingertips along the silk of Aubrey’s dressing gown and continue over pale skin, and she finds herself wondering if it’s as soft as the skin of her cheek, neck. 

A wind whips across them and she sees Aubrey shiver and Stacie wants to kick herself for making Aubrey stand out in the cold for as long as she has. 

“Come in,” she says, stepping aside to let Aubrey into the train car. 

“Thank you,” Aubrey says with a quick smile as she passes Stacie, pausing halfway to the bed and taking a look around. “This is really nice. Very cozy.” 

“That’s kind of you to say.” 

“May I?” Aubrey says, gesturing to the pile of books by Stacie’s bedside, hand hovering over the top one. 

“Go ‘head,” Stacie says with a nod before moving to her vanity and dropping to the chair in front of it. 

“You have a lot here,” she says distractedly, perching on the side of the bed as she flickers through one of the books and Stacie has a hard time tearing her eyes away from how at ease Aubrey looks in her space. 

She easily pulls some of the pins holding her hair up and starts running her fingers through her hair, loosening her complicated braid and massaging her scalp as she goes. Stacie notices Aubrey’s eyes briefly lift from the book, intending on glancing at Stacie but lingering for far longer. 

She pretends not to notice how Aubrey closely follows her movements, how enraptured she is by Stacie’s hair and she’s never paid much mind to her dark brown locks, had always had her hair up and away from her face to avoid it falling into her eyes during a crucial moment mid-air and she’d just gotten into the habit of always keeping it braided. 

Her hair had never been something she’d considered made her attractive, but with the way Aubrey’s looking at her and how she herself had marvelled at the sight of the blonde’s hair, she’s beginning to rethink that. 

Stacie takes extra time and care brushing her hair then, mindful of the eyes on her. When she finally sets down the brush, the room is quiet and she can hear that soft sound again, similar to the one Aubrey’d made earlier when Stacie had cupped her cheek. She doesn’t have to hide her smile when she turns to find Aubrey’s eyes firmly on the book in her hands, grateful for the moment she gets to admire Aubrey’s flushed cheeks. 

“Ready for bed?” Stacie asks. 

“Can I borrow this?” Aubrey holds up the book. 

“Of course.” 

The smile she gets in return makes Stacie forget how to breathe for a second, a merciful act because Aubrey sheds her dressing gown then and reveals her sleeping garment, a simple slip of a dress with thin straps and Stacie’s happy there isn’t any air in her lungs for fear of the sound she’d have made in response. 

Aubrey doesn’t seem to notice her struggle for breath, twisting to crawl onto the mattress and under the sheets on the clearly unused side of the bed. She tucks the book under her pillow and that finally breaks Stacie out of her reverie as she watches the move with a confused frown. 

Aubrey turns to her, eyebrows raised when she realises Stacie hasn’t moved an inch since turning her way. “What?” 

Stacie shakes her head, clearing her mind as she gets up and pads over, sliding into bed next to Aubrey. “Book under your pillow?” 

“I’m an early riser,” Aubrey explains as she settles. “I don’t want to wake you.” 

“You don’t need to worry about that. I wake early too,” Stacie says, shooting Aubrey a soft smile as she pulls the sheets up to her chest and burrows into the comfortable warmth. 

“Any particular reason?” 

“I don’t sleep much,” Stacie gives with a shrug and she can hear the sheets rustle as Aubrey turns her head to look at her and when Stacie turns to meet her gaze, the soft furrow there doesn’t surprise her much. “I never have so don’t you worry about it.” 

An encouraging smile causes Aubrey’s concern to wane, small smile taking over her features as she lets her eyes sweep over Stacie’s face, taking in every detail she can. 

“What have you taken to read?” Stacie asks, her voice a soft whisper to hide the desperation at not wanting this moment to end. 

“Orlando.” 

“Interesting choice,” Stacie says. 

“Is it? I’ve never read it,” she says, eyes firmly on Stacie’s again and almost daring her to question it but upon consideration, Stacie doesn’t actually believe Aubrey’s being untruthful, however much she refuses to believe that Aubrey doesn’t know exactly what the subject matter of the book is. 

“It’s one of my favourites,” Stacie finally admits after a long silence of her scrutinising the woman. 

“Well then I’ll be sure to take extra care of it.” 

The words have a sort of finality to them so Stacie settles in bed and turns off the light, bidding Aubrey a good night and smiling when she hears the words returned and the familiar sound of rustling sheets as if getting comfortable. 

She tries to go to sleep immediately and fails miserably. Stacie finds herself staring up at the darkness surrounding them and Aubrey’s even breaths should be soothing but they’re just a reminder of how it’s the first time in a very long time she’s sharing her bed with someone, and not even just a random stranger or a quick city fling but someone she might have actual feelings for. 

She carefully, so as to not disturb Aubrey, shifts away and onto her side, one arm curling under her pillow as she closes her eyes tightly and wills her body to tire enough for slumber but that fails too and she turns onto her back again. She’s unsure of how much time passes as she lays there and begging any deity that’ll hear her pleas to let her sleep. 

Instead, she gets an itch on her leg. 

She scratches at her skin a little too violently, a frustrated whine bubbling up from the back of her throat even as she tries to keep quiet. 

A soft chuckle from right beside her makes her freeze, eyes closing as she tries to tamp down the sheer embarrassment of waking Aubrey and the guilt that not only is she not getting any sleep, she’s cursed her bed partner to the same fate. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

“You haven’t,” Aubrey soothes, not a trace of sleep tingeing her tone. “I haven’t been able to fall asleep myself.” 

“Oh,” Stacie mutters as she tries to understand why she’d thought Aubrey’s even breathing so quickly after saying goodnight had been indicate of her being asleep. But then she realises that perhaps Aubrey hadn’t been able to fall asleep because she’d been tossing and turning and— “Because of me?” 

“No,” she says immediately with another soft, breathy chuckle. “I’m not used to sleepin’ next to somebody.” 

“Is this the first time you’re doin’ it?” Stacie asks carefully but Aubrey’s scoff is quick. 

“No. It’s just been a while.” 

“Have you ever…” Stacie stops when she realises what the question at the tip of her tongue is. Aubrey doesn’t react to her half asked question, doesn’t move or make a sound and were it not for the safe blanket of the darkness, Stacie wouldn’t have continued. “Been with anybody?” 

“Yes,” Aubrey says softly after a while. “A long time ago.” 

“How did it end?” She’s so curious to see her, to watch Aubrey’s expressions play across her face as she takes a moment to mull over her answer. 

“We were both so young and reckless but we wanted different things in life.” A long sigh follows the words and Stacie presses her lips together to avoid speaking, to avoid saying or doing anything that would prevent Aubrey from telling her more. “And then she wanted to run away.” 

Stacie had wanted it confirmed, had wanted to know if Aubrey was similar to her with her affections but hearing it actually spoken aloud takes her by surprise and even though she knows she can’t make out any of Aubrey’s features, she still turns her head towards her and tries to make out anything in the pitch black night. 

“So when she finally did, I didn’t follow her,” Aubrey finishes. The words have fallen too easily from her lips and a rush of breath leaves her at that, eyes closing to take a moment and the longer Stacie goes without responding, the harder she has to try her hands from trembling. 

“Did you love her?” Stacie asks, a whisper. 

“I don’t know if I knew what love was back then.” She tries to think back to times long past, trying to analyse her feelings with a magnifying lens, flashes of memories drifting through her mind, of stolen kisses and hidden giggles, rain on freckled skin and the comfortable weight of a hand in hers. She remembers feeling so safe in her lover’s arms and it causes a warm feeling to seep into her bones. “But I trusted her.” 

“Ain’t that the same thing?” 

“I suppose so,” Aubrey says with a breathy sort of laugh, some of the tension in her chest easing. “Have you ever been in love?” 

“Might be.” She’s not sure what compels her to say the words, especially when she hears Aubrey’s hitch of breathing, but when the blonde’s fingers find hers under the sheets, fingertips softly tracing along her palm, she reckons it might not have been all that wrong. 

“Me too.” 

* * *

She’s not sure when she falls asleep but she suddenly jerks awake with the need for air, lungs burning and the distinct feeling of a knot in her throat preventing her from properly breathing. She tries to clear her throat, tries coughing, claws at her neck but nothing helps. Tears spring to her eyes with desperation, chest aflame as she fights her instinctive urge to just let go and succumb to the darkness, hoping for an end to all the pain. 

“Stacie.” 

Her eyes spring open at the sound of her name, the sunlit roof of her train carriage coming into focus and grounding her as she finally inhales gulps of air, a desperate grasp falling from her lips before transforming into a stuttered sob. 

“Stacie…” 

She’s not sure how long her name is called out for because she can only distantly hear Aubrey’s voice, as if she’s underwater and Aubrey’s calling to her from the shore. The tears won’t stop, try as she might, and she shakes her head in an attempt to dispel them, to return to some semblance of normalcy to lessen what is undoubtedly going to be a very awkward morning with Aubrey in her bed. 

She cries until she feels like she can’t cry anymore, until all the moisture has left her body in the form of her sobs and her body no longer shakes with the force, just soft hiccoughs falling from her lips. She’d thought she’d been getting better when the mere mention of Alexander was no longer enough to cause her to burst into tears, that she’d finally gotten some control over the grief that had plagued her since Alexander’s death but laying there is just a reminder of why she doesn’t enjoy lingering in bed, of why she tries not to wake naturally lest she be tormented in her sleep by the cavernous space in her soul. 

A sudden shock of warmth on her arm abruptly grounds her, eyes opening slowly to find the mystery source. Her stomach dips when she sees Aubrey’s fingers curled around her forearm, thumb softly stroking back and forth, a soothing gesture that helps her breathe more easily, lets her focus on the rhythm of Aubrey’s touch and match her breathing to. 

While she’s hesitant to meet Aubrey’s eyes, fearful of what she’d find there, the gesture does help tamp down on the overwhelming guilt she feels at ruining the one bright spot of her day. 

“I’m sorry,” she finally says, voice raspy from sleep and her panic and Aubrey’s touch stills. 

“Stacie,” Aubrey urges as she presses her fingers a bit more firmly against Stacie’s skin, waits for the woman to slowly turn her head to face her. “Stop apologisin’.” 

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” she whispers and a sense of deja vu fills her at the words but this time Aubrey doesn’t chuckle and doesn’t smile and Stacie frowns when her hand moves away from Stacie’s arm. 

“You have nothin’ to be sorry for,” she replies in the same hushed tone Stacie had used, her expression disconcertingly blank but then her fingertips ghost along Stacie’s jaw, her thumb wiping at the slightly dried tear tracks as she cups her cheek, her touch impossibly soft and maddeningly tender, eyes dropping to watch Stacie’s reaction. 

Stacie doesn’t disappoint, lips parting enough to let out a soft sigh as she tilts into the touch, blinking slowly to soak up the feeling of Aubrey’s fingers on her skin and focusing on committing this whole scenario to memory. 

“I was already awake.” 

This time a teasing smile pulls at her lips and her fingertips swirl along her cheek and the blonde hair tumbling messily around her face is backlit by the rising sun and the urge to slide her hand around the back of Aubrey’s neck and tug her closer is heady and dangerous and she wonders what Aubrey’s lips would feel like pressed against hers, what she tastes like and how she’d react. 

Aubrey licking her lips is as good a signal that she’s feeling the same way and Stacie starts to lean in, fingers twitching in the bedsheets and ready to touch when she suddenly jerks back with panic that she’s moving too fast. A few minutes ago she’d been sobbing with grief and now she’s about to cross a boundary she won’t be able to come back from with a woman who’s been nothing but a good friend to her and the feeling that she’s taking advantage of Aubrey’s kindness and understanding of her grief is enough to completely shift the mood and Aubrey must sense the change in Stacie because she pulls back her hand, eyes skittering away from Stacie as she twists and sits up fully, taking the discarded book into her lap and settling her hands over it. 

“Did you sleep well?” Stacie asks after coughing lightly, the back of her throat feeling scratchy for an entirely different reason than before. 

“Yes, I did,” Aubrey answers with a small smile thrown her way. “Your bed is lovely.” Stacie tries not to feel too buoyed that Aubrey seems to enjoy being in her bed. “How are you feelin’?” 

“Better,” Stacie admits honestly, eyes tracking over the pattern of the wood that forms the roof of her carriage. 

They fall into a loaded silence then, neither of them willing to end the peace of the morning but unsure of how to proceed. She can hear Aubrey breathing softly next to her and the rhythm of it is soothing and Stacie could almost fall asleep to it. 

There’s a window in her carriage, the one right next to the door, that always rattles and if the wind is in the right direction, it’ll throw it right open. Stacie tries to remember to tell Theodore about it but she’s been forgetting every time and only ever remembers to ask him for help once the window snaps open, usually when she’s already settled in bed. It’s no surprise that the moment her eyes close and she starts feeling the pull of slumber again, the window snaps open. 

Aubrey jumps at the sound of wood hitting wood and Stacie’s eyes spring open as she hops out of bed, her body moving more on muscle memory than conscious choice as she strides over and wrestles it close again, propping the latch with a piece of wood she has just for this reason. 

“That doesn’t seem too secure,” Aubrey says, her voice wavering slightly and when Stacie turns to her, whatever quip she’d had on the tip of her tongue dies at the sight of her, flush cheeks and chest still rising a little too quickly, giving away how truly startled she’d been, but she still looks so comfortable in Stacie’s bed, blonde hair mussed and falling over her shoulders and Stacie feels like she can’t breathe as she tries to commit every small detail to memory. 

Aubrey doesn’t say anything, just watches as Stacie remains frozen across the small carriage, mesmerised and flattered by how Stacie seems unable to not marvel at her. Still, despite how emboldening it is and how much she’d just like to drag Stacie back into bed and kiss her senseless until dawn has properly given way to day, she also doesn’t wish to move too quickly and their earlier halt shouldn’t be forgotten. 

“Stacie?” she says softly, drawing the woman’s attention back to her and Stacie blushes when she realises she’s been caught staring. “Do you want me to ask one of the boys to have a look at that?” 

“I keep forgettin’ to ask Theo about it,” Stacie explains with a sheepish smile as she gestures to the window. 

Aubrey laughs softly, shaking her head with exasperation but her smile is all warmth and mirth. 

“I’ll talk to him about it,” she says as she shucks the sheets to the side and swings her legs over the edge of the bed and Stacie tries not to look too mournful at the lost quiet of the morning. “I should be gettin’ him up anyway to do somethin’ ‘bout my tent.” 

“If it ain’t fixed, you’re always welcome back,” Stacie offers as she slowly approaches the bed, watching as Aubrey pulls her hair up into a quick ponytail and tries to tuck any lingering wisps of hair behind her ears. 

“Thank you,” Aubrey says with a grateful smile. “For that and for last night.” 

She steps away from the bed and Stacie’s eyes fall to the unkempt bed and the book abandoned next to the pillow Aubrey had used and before she knows what’s happening, she’s reaching for it. “Wait.” 

Aubrey turns back with raised eyebrows just as she’s tugging on her dressing gown, eyes dropping to Stacie’s outstretched hand and the book held there. 

“Don’t forget this.” 

“It’s yours,” Aubrey starts to say but Stacie shakes her head. 

“Take it.” Stacie looks down again, briefly, shuffling her feet. “Read it and let me know what you think.” 

A feather-light touch on her cheek makes her jolt upright, head snapping up but Aubrey’s not deterred by Stacie’s surprised reaction, doesn’t falter for a moment as she tucks locks of dark brown hair behind Stacie’s ear and lingers, savouring the feeling of Stacie’s soft sigh and even softer skin. Her eyes watch Stacie intently even as a blush crawls up her own cheeks at the boldness of her actions as her other hand takes the book from Stacie. 

“Thank you,” she breathes and she can feel Stacie’s skin grow warm under her touch. 

“You’re welcome.” 

Aubrey pauses for a moment, head tilting slightly sideways before letting her gaze drop and stepping away, relinquishing her hold of Stacie. She’s halfway out the door before she looks back, the book tucked against her chest as she smiles sweetly at Stacie. 

“Have a lovely day.” 

* * *

Stacie doesn’t see Aubrey for the rest of the day and just when she starts to feel worried about why exactly that might be, little Bobby informs her — with an unnatural amount of glee — that one of the horses had gotten loose during their grazing time and bit the finger off one of the crewmen and she’d had to take him to town for medical help. 

She feels an odd sense of relief that it’s just work that’s kept her away and not anything else, putting a stop to her spiralling thoughts for the time being. She doesn’t get back in time for the show and Stacie doesn’t see her that night either. They’d only spent one night together and yet Stacie still feels odd going to bed alone and the sleeplessness that had plagued her the day before is back again and Stacie sighs as she curses herself to another night of no slumber. 

The next morning she eats breakfast alone, no sign of Peggy anywhere and the solitude makes her mind wander, gaze drifting almost longingly to Aubrey’s tent. 

She firmly ignores the tugging feeling in her chest and goes on with her day. 

Stacie’s high up when a loud call of her name has her pausing, the warm timbre of the man’s voice loud enough for her to recognise it and she swings down to his level and hops to the ground with ease. 

“Hey Ray,” she says with a quick smile. “No Peggy today?” 

“No,” he says and he’s never been quick with a smile but the serious set of his mouth and his downcast eyes immediately put her on edge, her smile melting away. 

“Everythin’ alright?” 

“She ain’t feelin’ too good. Woke up with a fever, all the girls did.” 

“Oh, no,” she breathes, afraid that speaking any louder will give space for the sudden panic curling in her gut to make itself known. 

“Even Marian’s feelin’ under the weather,” he mutters. “Rupesh had a look at ‘em and he says it’s nothin’ serious, but…” 

“You worry,” she supplies and he nods. 

“I jus’ thought I’d come tell you so you’re not wastin’ time waitin’ on Peggy,” he says, gesturing vaguely to something over his shoulder. 

“I was just worried ‘bout her,” Stacie says with a tight smile. “Is there anythin’ I can do to help?” 

“No,” he says with a wry smile and a shake of the head. “But you’re kind for offerin’.” 

He steps away then, turning to go and Stacie takes a calming breath before standing up and moving to the lowest platform to return to her training, but then she hears his steps half so she pauses, waits. 

“You know…” he starts slowly, turning back and he tilts his head and watches her intently and if Stacie weren’t made of stronger stuff, she’s want to squirm. Instead, she stands tall, shoulders squared back as the man stares up at her and takes a few steps back in her direction. “The boys and I have been talkin’.” 

“Talkin’?” she echoes, arguing an eyebrow. 

“‘Bout you and Aubrey.” 

She can feel confidence falter, her heart rate picking up as a panic wells up inside her. “What’s there to talk about?” 

He scratches at the back of his neck, his large hand staying there as he looks down at the net and exhales loudly. Stacie’s never seen him so ill at ease and the easy, quiet sort of confidence he carries himself with seems gone in the wake of whatever the intent is of this conversation. 

“It ain’t… right,” he starts and she feels her chest constrict. “People don’t like that sorta thing, ’specially in these parts.” 

He glances up at her and something on her face must give her away because his terse expression shifts slightly, his eyes going wide as he shakes his head. 

“I’m sorry, I ain’t that good with words,” he pleads, brow furrowing. 

“What are you tryin’ to say?” 

“We don’t care,” he answers immediately and then seems to realise how quickly the words have left his mouth and how badly formulated they are, how little they carry his point across and he scratches at the nape of his neck again as he attempts to explain himself. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I ain’t white.” 

The tension of the moment makes her crack and his words aren’t humorous but a laugh still bubbles up and escapes her in a desperate sound. “I’ve noticed.” 

“Yeah, and Marian is so we wouldn’t—we ain't allowed to be married,” he explains, his heavy boots shuffling the ground and displacing some of the sand there. “But here? In the circus? It’s alright. Wouldn’t be a freak show without a bit of… variety.” 

Ray had been right when he’d said he didn’t have a way with words but Stacie understands him perfectly, a weight lifting off her shoulders as she realises what he’s trying to say, how he’s implicitly giving his, and the others’, permission. 

“We haven’t—” she starts to say, afraid that any other initial reaction would somehow give them all the wrong idea of what’s going on between herself and Aubrey, especially considering nothing has really _happened_, but she doesn’t get very far before Ray starts shaking his head almost violently, holding his hands up to stop her. 

“I don’t need to know nothin’,” he says hastily. “She’s like a sister. I don’t wanna know.” 

“Nothing happened, Ray,” Stacie says, unable to resist the temptation of teasing him a little bit for how incredibly uncomfortable he seems with Aubrey being involved with anybody. 

“Well alright then!” he croaks out, steadfastly avoiding her eyes as he gestures vaguely with his hands and turns away again. 

“Hey Ray,” she calls out and he pauses, twists to look at her and she shoots him a soft smile. “I hope the girls feel better soon.” 

He doesn’t say anything else, simply nods his head her way before departing and Stacie stares after him long after he’s left, deep in thought. 

* * *

It’s a rare day when Aubrey’s not doing anything and when Stacie steps out of the big tent and glances around the camp, she’s surprised to find Aubrey sitting by the show entrance of their circus setup, on a bench they put out when the ticket line gets too long and the older folks can’t stand for as long. 

She’s just staring off into the distance, nothing in her hands and seemingly nothing in the world to get to and Stacie’s intrigued. She’s drawn to her, in part curiosity but also because she’s missed Aubrey even though it’s barely been a day since they’d last seen each other. 

Stacie pulls her coat tighter around her body as she walks over to Aubrey to shield her warm, slightly sweaty body from the unexpected spring chill. She steps around a couple of boys playing with one of Rupesh’s snakes, all of them bidding her hello in mischief-tinted voices and she just smiles and leaves them be with an exasperated shake of the head. 

“Hello you,” she says as she approaches Aubrey, keeping her voice soft to not startle the woman and she gets a sweet smile for it in response. “What’cha doin’?” 

“Waitin’,” Aubrey says, patting the bench next to her and Stacie takes the hint and drops to the spot, curling her legs under her as she stares out and tries to see what Aubrey had been looking at. 

“On?” she asks, turning back to look at Aubrey, arching an eyebrow in question and the woman slowly drags her eyes away from the horizon to look at Stacie, smile ticking up the longer she stares into Stacie’s deep green eyes. 

“A doc’s supposed to come by.” 

“For the girls?” 

“What?” 

“What?” Stacie asks. 

“For the—? For what girls?” Aubrey asks and they frown at each other for far too long as they try to pinpoint where they’ve gone wrong. 

“Ray’s girls?” 

“Oh,” Aubrey says, brows softening slightly but not entirely. “No, for one of the horses.” 

“Oh!” Stacie replies but then she processes the full extent of Aubrey’s words. “Wait, what?” 

“A doc’s comin’ out to have a look at Alastor. He’s been walkin’ all wrong for a while now,” Aubrey explains, her voice taking on an amused tinge when she understands the confusion. “Why did you think a doctor’d be comin’ for Ray’s girls?” 

“He told me they were sick.” 

“It’s just any common flu, I reckon,” Aubrey gives with a small shrug. “Nothin’ too serious.” 

“The flu can be pretty serious,” Stacie says lowly and the words fall like bricks between them, the weight of the unspoken too heavy to ignore but when Aubrey turns to look at the brunette, she finds her eyes closed off, the woman staring off at the horizon again. 

She trails her eyes along the tense set of Stacie’s jaw and chooses to go down a different path. “It ain’t for them.” 

Aubrey’s soft, tentative voice draws warmth up to Stacie’s chest even if she doesn’t tear her eyes away from the nondescript point in the distance. 

“With all the travellin’ we do and the hours of endless work, every once in a while we all get sick. The kids quicker than us.” 

“Because they’re kids?” Stacie asks quietly. 

“Because they run around and get up to no good and wouldn’t know to wash their hands before eatin’,” Aubrey says and her voice has that teasing lilt to it again and it makes Stacie drop her gaze with a short laugh, staring at her fingers as they pluck at a frayed strand of her coat fabric. 

“Just you watch, soon enough the boys back there’ll be gettin’ whatever Ray’s girls have and then all the kids’ll be bedridden. It happens a couple’times a year.” 

“If you say so…” Stacie says, trying for a teasing tone to cover up the heavy feeling in her chest but the words fall flat between them. 

Aubrey doesn’t say anything but her hand moves over and covers Stacie’s, stilling her fiddling fingers and before sliding her fingers between Stacie’s own and squeezes softly. Her fingers are cool, undoubtedly from the pervasive cold that’s been plaguing Missouri but her grip is firm and Stacie settles in the feeling of Aubrey’s calloused thumb rubbing circles onto the back of her hand. 

She’s not sure what compels her to say the words but she’s in a sort of trance, focused entirely on Aubrey’s hand in hers when she says, “Xander got sick.” 

Aubrey’s touch only briefly falters before she regains her rhythm and if her hold on Stacie is a little tighter than before, neither of them dare mention it. 

“And you didn’t,” Aubrey says after a prolonged silence and Stacie shakes her head. 

“He got really sick and I couldn’t be with him ‘cause they were scared of me gettin’ it too.” 

The grief ebbs and flows on her heart, the memories painful and sharp like glass shards puncturing skin and the feeling ripples over her skin and she shivers, her free hand tugging her coat tighter as if that’ll make any difference. She can feel Aubrey move closer but she doesn’t dare take her eyes off their clasped hands for fear that doing so will break the fragile dam she’s been building in her heart that stops her tears from flowing every time she thinks about her brother’s last days. 

“And then he died. All alone,” she whispers, voice cracking. “And I always thought…” 

A choked sound bubbles up from her throat and she wonders how they got here from a few simple words where they got their wires crossed and she loathes her grief for tainting even the most mundane of interactions and for taking over what was supposed to be a bright spot in her day. 

“Always thought what?” Aubrey prompts. 

“Nothin’,” Stacie says, trying to brush it all of with a smile that’s more sad than happy and she shakes her head to try and rid her mind of the somber thoughts, finally lifting her head and looking at Aubrey. Her eyes are filled with heartbreak and Stacie hates seeing it. “It’s not important.” 

“Stacie,” she urges, twisting and pulling one leg under her body so she can fully face Stacie. “I don’t want you to hide yourself for me.” 

The weight of Aubrey’s eyes on her is heavier than any touch she’s ever felt and she bows under the pressure, gaze skittering away and settling on their tangled fingers once again. 

“I always thought we would die together,” she says softly, a small part of her wishing more than anything that Aubrey can’t hear her. “When we were little and our parents passed, he promised me that we would always be together and then he died all alone and I wasn’t even there for him. So where does that leave me?” 

“Do you wish sometimes you’d died with him?” Aubrey asks carefully, so hesitant and so attentive to Stacie’s feelings. 

“Every single day.” 

Aubrey’s intake of breath is sharp but not entirely surprising to Stacie and she shoots Aubrey a wry smile to appease her but at the glance, Aubrey just tilts her head sideways and covers their clasped hands with her idle one, taking Stacie’s hand in her lap with such reverence that her eyes are drawn to it again. 

“I ain’t sure what to say.” 

“You ain’t gotta say anythin’,” Stacie murmurs and she means it because oddly enough, speaking the words aloud lift a weight off her heart, as if giving them a voice had taken some of their power over her and this time when she smiles sideways at Aubrey, it’s not all a farce. 

Aubrey doesn’t look entirely convinced and she seems to hover between pressing and leaving her be and that turmoil in her eyes pulls up another thought in Stacie’s mind. 

“I’m always here if you need a shoulder to cry on,” Aubrey finally says, seemingly settling on her words and her eyes are so unbearably kind, the tiny furrow on her brow belying her concern and Stacie’s words tumble out of her before she has a chance to stop them. 

“I should have kissed you.” 

She doesn’t regret the words, even as Aubrey’s lazy, seemingly mindless caressing of her hand halts and her eyes go wide with surprise, eyebrows jumping comically high. 

“Yesterday morning,” Stacie continues with an awkward laugh, trying to explain herself in the event Aubrey’s instinct is to retreat and rebuff her. “When we woke up. I wanted to and I didn’t.” 

“I wanted you to,” Aubrey whispers, expression softening and Stacie feels her world come to a halt, mouth opening and closing a few times as she tries to come up with a suitable answer because of all the responses she’d expected, this one hadn’t even made the list. “Why didn’t you?” 

Aubrey tries her hardest not to sound accusing, tries for an inquisitive lilt more than anything and it sets Stacie slightly at ease when she realises that Aubrey’s not as confident about this as she may have seemed from her initial words. 

“I… was afraid I was takin’ advantage of your friendship.” 

Aubrey can’t suppress the sharp, incredulous laugh that bursts from her lips at that, her head tilting as she regards Stacie with nothing but absolute endearment. “I think we’re more than friends, Stacie.” 

A relieved laugh comes from Stacie then as she tries to control the rush of feelings welling up in her chest at that. 

“Well alright. Good,” she says, with a resolute sort of nod. “That’s good to know.” 

Aubrey doesn’t say anything else, just watches Stacie’s soft blush crawl up her neck to her cheeks and if she’d known this side of Stacie existed, this gorgeous, unsure and floundering part of her, they wouldn’t have made it to this conversation because Aubrey would have done something rash already. 

Stacie must be able to read minds because she glances Aubrey’s way and tilts her head in consideration, eyes narrowing, face falling into an adorably confused frown. 

“Why haven’t you kissed me?” 

Her amusement peters out at that, smile softening and twisting to a rueful look. “I didn’t want to rush you.” 

“Why would—?” 

“You lost Alexander a year ago,” Aubrey says softly. “Yesterday when you pulled away, I thought…” She shrugs then, eyes briefly dropping from Stacie’s deep gaze. “I thought I mighta been movin’ too fast for you.” 

“I don’t feel rushed,” Stacie says immediately. “I didn’t want to take advantage of your kindness.” 

“And I didn’t want you to think I was bein’ kind to you just to kiss you,” Aubrey throws back. 

“I don’t think that at all,” Stacie says in a jumble of words. 

“Well alright then,” Aubrey says in a flourish, the words a stopping block for their quickly traded sentences and her lips tug up into a playful smile that Stacie mirrors when she sees it. 

“Well alright then,” she echoes, slower, watches as Aubrey drops her leg and straightens back to look out over the road leading to the circus. 

And then suddenly, her vision is all Aubrey as she leans in and presses her lips against Stacie’s, a quick, fleeting peck before she’s pulling away again. 

Stacie barely has time to process it, her heart practically beating out of her chest as she tries to wrap her head around what’s just happened. 

Before she knows what she’s doing she pulls her hand out from Aubrey’s hold and Aubrey barely has time to frown at the action, lips parting to speak, and Stacie’s cups her jaw to hold her still while she leans in and kisses Aubrey back. 

Her kiss is nowhere near as chaste as Aubrey’s had been but it’s also not something for her to worry about when Aubrey presses into her, head tilting to allow her more room and whatever words she’d been about to speak turn into a content sigh as her fingers grapple for Stacie’s coat to pull her closer. 

Stacie’s lost in the feeling of Aubrey’s lips moving under hers and when Aubrey lets her deepen the kiss, Stacie realises that she could drown in the taste of Aubrey, the whole world falling away from them as her sole focus settles on the woman in her arms and how good it feels to have her there. 

It’s better than anything Stacie could have, and has been, imagining and her chest burns with the need to taste more, touch more, feel more but her hands are too busy soaking up the residual reactions from Aubrey, the way she shivers under the touch and the warmth blooming up her neck as she lets Stacie take more. 

Aubrey’s hands creeping into her coat is a more than welcome move and Stacie shivers when the cool fingers brush over her steadily warming skin, sending a jolt through her and making her break away with a gasp but Aubrey gives her no reprieve, leaning in again and kissing her harshly between panting breaths. If it weren’t for Stacie’s broken whimper causing them both to pause at how far they’d sunken into one another, they would not have heard the sound of rubber tires on dirt and Stacie wants to mourn the dwindling urgency between them as Aubrey twists her head towards the sound. 

“That your doc?” she asks, her voice low and raspy and practically unrecognisable and Aubrey turns back to her, eyes so dark that Stacie wants to get lost in them. 

Aubrey doesn’t trust her voice so she just nods, brow furrowing slightly as her eyes drop to Stacie’s lips, her whole body swaying closer as if physically drawn to the woman. 

“Bank’s closed then, I suppose,” Stacie tries to tease yet unwilling to let go of Aubrey just yet, her thumb tracing the line of her jaw. 

Aubrey smiles then, tongue darting out to wet her lower lip before her teeth sink down into it and Stacie’s heart stutters in her chest at the sight of the pure radiance coming off her and if the sight of an unkempt, thoroughly kissed Aubrey is enough to make her feel this way, she wonders what it would be like if they— 

“For now.” 

That feeling flutters in her chest once again even as they slowly detangle from each other, Aubrey’s hands moving over safer territory again as she holds the lapels of Stacie’s coat and pull them closed over her body and Stacie smooths her fingers over Aubrey’s neck and jaw a final time before pulling away, and she has to cross her arms over her chest to fight the urge to touch any part of Aubrey. 

The car approaches slowly and Aubrey turns to face it, shaking her head to clear her mind of the craving that Stacie had stirred within her with a few simple kisses but even after a long, crisp breath, she still can’t suppress the smile on her face, has to purse her lips to even try. 

She hopes to God the heat on her cheeks is at least a little bit gone when the car stops just shy of them and in an effort to curb the urge to kiss Stacie again in full view of whoever is there to see them, she springs up as the door opens and the vet steps out. 

He smiles and offers Aubrey a handshake as they exchange pleasantries and she starts filling him in on the situation and when he asks where the animal in question is, Aubrey points him in the right direction and says she’ll be right there. 

Stacie hasn’t moved from her spot on the bench and when Aubrey stops in front of her, stares down at her with an arched eyebrow, Stacie just looks up with a coy smile. 

“You comin’?” 

“No,” Stacie says with a shake of the head, her gaze lazily trailing down Aubrey’s body before settling on a nondescript point behind Aubrey. “I think I might stay here for a while. Savour the moment.” 

“Don’t be catchin’ your death out here,” Aubrey drawls, tucking her hands into her pockets to warm them. 

“Or what?” Stacie can’t help but challenge. 

“Or you won’t be cashin’ any checks tonight.” 

“Didn’t realise I had any,” she says and the way Aubrey’s looking down at her fills her with hope. 

“You definitely do,” Aubrey whispers and Stacie licks her lips at that, the memory of Aubrey’s lips still so fresh in her mind and she doesn’t even attempt to stifle her lazy grin, watching as Aubrey steps away and turns to go. 

“I’ll be seein’ you then,” she calls out and the smile thrown over a shoulder that she gets in return is nothing if not promising. 

* * *

“What’s that you’re readin’?” Stacie asks as she swings over to Aubrey, dangling easily from a trapeze bar in front of her, skin flushed with exertion but a bright smile on her face when she meets Aubrey’s eyes. 

The blonde lifts her gaze from her book with a wide smile of her own, holding her place in the book with a finger as she closes it to show Stacie the cover. “It’s a poetry book. Theodore picked it up for me back in Missouri but I been too busy to read it.” 

Her cheeks grow pink at the words and Stacie tries not to revel too much in the knowledge of exactly what it is that Aubrey’s been too preoccupied with. 

“I actually think you’d like it very much.” 

“What’s it about?” 

“Poetry,” Aubrey answers, failing to cover her teasing smile and Stacie huffs out a laugh as she attempts to grasp any part of Aubrey. The woman giggles softly, pulling her feet into her body and squirming away, no longer at the very edge of the platform and out of reach so Stacie stops trying. 

“You know…” Stacie starts, pulling herself up and easily swinging over the trapeze bar to sit on it, lazily moving back and forth. “When I asked you up here, you sittin’ there with a book ain’t quite what I had in mind.” 

“I know,” Aubrey says with a barely-there smile, book dropping to her lap with her hands clasped over it. “But this is alright for now.” 

“Are you scared of heights?” Stacie asks with a teasing wink because she knows Aubrey’s not. She’s seen her climb up a light rig to fix a broken bulb, sit astride a moving elephant’s back to determine if she’s running off-balance, and hop down from a high branch in a tree after having to retrieve one of the younger kids who’d gotten stuck, all without a moment’s hesitation, so Aubrey’s reluctance to go further than sitting on a high platform baffles Stacie slightly. 

“I ain’t scared’a heights.” She ducks her head, fingernails scratching at the cover of her book as she considers her words carefully. “I don’t… know what I’m doin’. And it’s not that I  don’t trust you not to be a good teacher, but—” She groans softly, frustrated at her lack of ability to explain herself. “I watched you fall and it makes me feel a lot safer just sittin’ here and knowin’ that you won’t be gettin’ hurt from me bein’ a clumsy learner.” 

Aubrey finally lifts her head, a hesitant look on her face that eases when she sees Stacie’s open expression, the pure adoration emanating from her as she effortlessly kicks herself back and forth on the swing. 

“Only way you could hurt me is by breakin’ my heart,” Stacie says and Aubrey regrets moving away, the few feet of distance between them feeling far too great when all she’d like to do is kiss those sweet-talking lips. 

Stacie makes no attempts to move closer, despite her smile widening when Aubrey’s gaze drops to her lips, and she seems to almost enjoy teasing Aubrey like this. 

“But I understand,” she finally says, head tilting sideways to regard Aubrey even more carefully. “And I’m happy you come have lunch with me nowadays.” 

“‘With me’ implies you eat as well,” Aubrey says with a pointedly arched eyebrow that Stacie rolls her eyes at. 

“Well someone’s gotta make the heavy sugar ‘round here and last I checked, you ain’t got an act,” she teases with an arched eyebrow of her own. 

“I got many acts, I just ain’t performin’,” Aubrey throws back, shoulders squaring back as she lifts her chin haughtily. 

“You’re outta practice,” Stacie says. 

“Some things don’t need practice.” 

Aubrey’s low voice and innuendo-laden words shoot a ripple of cold down Stacie’s spine and she finds herself drawn to the woman again. 

“Like what, exactly?” 

Aubrey’s slow, half-grin is hard to miss even as she tries to play at nonchalance by shrugging and gesturing to her book. 

“What, readin’ poetry?” 

“Sure.” 

“That requires practice.” 

“How d’you figure that?” Aubrey asks. 

“Poetry is meant to be spoken aloud, not read silently,” Stacie says with an ardent nod. 

“I ain’t never heard that before,” Aubrey says but she doesn’t sound so sure of it, sounds more interested than anything. 

“It’s true,” Stacie says. “You oughta practice… read some to me.” 

Aubrey’s furrowed brow relaxes as she finally catches on, her smile turning coy as she shakes her head with exasperation. 

“You’re just anglin’ to get me to read to you,” she accuses even as her eyes glitter with mirth. 

“Maybe.” 

Stacie knows she can’t hide her true motives from Aubrey anyway so she doesn’t wait for a response and Aubrey watches her closely as she stands and hops away to a nearby swing, easily twisting around the bar and using the momentum to swing back and then a second later she’s flying, weightless for the length of a blink, back arched as she briefly looks at Aubrey while upside down before her hands easily find the stationary trapeze. Another quick arch of her back and swing and she hops onto the platform Aubrey’s sat on, feet firmly planted on the wood to minimise any loss of balance at coming to a sudden stop. 

She lets out a long breath, chest still heaving with the quick rush of adrenaline and excitement at the way Aubrey’s looking at her with wide, wondrous eyes. 

“Why?” 

“Why what?” 

“Why should I read to you?” 

“Because I want you to,” Stacie says. 

She’s wearing the widest smile Aubrey’s ever seen on her, eyes crinkling at the edges and her teeth firmly pressed together and she seems to be holding her breath as she stares down at Aubrey. 

“Oh, well if that’s all…” she can’t help but tease, fingers scratching absentmindedly across the cover of the book and drawing Stacie’s attention. 

“And because…” 

“Because?” 

“Because I like the sound of your voice,” Stacie says as her smile softens, turns almost shy. What she doesn’t say is that it’s one of the first things she’d noticed about Aubrey. It had been before she’d noticed Aubrey sneak into the big tent, mere hours after she’d arrived and had been walking past one of the sideshow tents. It had been oddly quiet, and she’d stopped just shy of the entrance when she’d heard a voice drift out. 

Aubrey hadn’t been doing much, sorting through something and hunched over a table, but she’d been singing softly and Stacie had been mesmerised. After that, she’d carefully followed the blonde around camp, and felt a little less guilty about her voyeuristic actions once she’d spotted Aubrey sneaking into the big tent to watch her practice. 

She’d been so taken with her then and the feeling hasn’t lessened one bit. 

“Do you now?” Aubrey asks, trying for a smirk but the pink flush creeping up her neck gives her away. 

“Very much so,” Stacie confirms, crouching down and leaning in, putting her face to face with the blonde. 

“What else do you like about me?” Aubrey whispers into the minuscule space between them. 

“I could show you,” Stacie says as her eyes flicker down to Aubrey’s lips, her own pulling up into a promising smile when Aubrey swallows thickly, anticipation clear. 

Aubrey leans in slightly, a hair’s breadth between them and finally nods and Stacie almost breaks, the desire in Aubrey’s eyes warming her like sunshine in her bones. She settles on a quick peck, far too chaste and far too short for her liking, before hopping up and off the platform, fingers curling around a trapeze bar as she swings away. She keeps her eyes on Aubrey, sees as the woman’s eyes go wide, mouth dropping open with indignation and the laugh that bubbles up inside her fills the space around them with its melody. 

“Anastasia Conrad, you come back here right now!” 

“If you start readin’, I might.” 

“You’re just a regular ol’ vamp, ain’t you?” Aubrey throws out but even the frustration she tries to put into her words don’t manage to mask the whiny nature of them. 

“No, according to the kids, I’m a faery,” Stacie teases. 

“I’ll get you back, Stacie, just you watch.” 

“I can’t wait,” she says with a giggle as she swings to her favoured large ring. 

Aubrey is quiet for a long while but Stacie notes with delight that she lifts the book and opens it to the first page, eyes scanning it quickly. 

“My life is a grey thread…” she starts. “A thin grey stretched out thread.” 

She’s very focused as she reads, her voice stable and loud enough for Stacie to hear her and Aubrey had been right in her before because she really does like the poem although she’ll admit her opinion is heavily tinted with her bias and adoration for Aubrey’s voice. 

Aubrey lifts her head quickly and meets Stacie’s eyes across the wide space, corners of her eyes crinkling as she tries not to smile so widely and Stacie knows she must look just as ridiculous and if she could keep this moment still and exactly as is for the rest of her life, she would. 

“Go on,” she says instead as she coils around the ring and Aubrey only holds her gaze for a little while longer before returning it to the book in her hands. 

When Aubrey starts up again, Stacie closes her eyes for a moment and she can see Alexander’s smile so clearly in front of her and the feeling of it curls comfortably inside her so she takes it and saves it, tucks him into her heart alongside the blossoming peace there and finally settles. 

“My life is a grey thread stretching through time’s day; but I have slipped gay beads on it, to hide the grey…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for coming along for this ride. I am ever so grateful and I'd love to hear your thoughts for one final time xx


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